Coulette-- chapter one.

the bridge, it was quite long. and when i ran across it, i wanted to go off course, jump over the side and land in the abyss of... the rest of time. would something stop me anyway? maybe "God" would stop me. maybe, right before i leap into the air, i would realize the meaning of life!! maybe, the love of my life would come dashing in to save the day, grabbing my shoulder and yelling, "wait! -huff huff- instead of jumping off the bridge... would you like to walk to the end of it with me?"

i know what i'd like to walk to the end of. this life. so, i'm gonna do it. my friends always told me, what if you were trapped in a white chamber with a terrorist giving me two choices: to kill myself, or for him to torture me for the rest of my life. would "God" understand? oh man i HATED those kinds of questions. just shuddup, kay? because truthfully, why the HECK would that even happen? honestly. some people have to much time on there brains... anyway. even if i wasn't in the chamber i'd still do it. not just cause i hate my life and everything. i'm not like that. you know, one of those "depressed" people who THINK they are depressed but are really starving for eyes to be fixed on the black that they drown themselves in (whether they're drowing in their too-thick eyeliner or their too-tight pants or band tees.) i just... wanted to feel something. i felt NOTHING in this life. you know, i thought i felt love once. but look at me now. so i'm tired of trying to feel love. i wanna feel the adrenaline of flying. what does it feel like to fly? i've always wondered, and dreamt....

dreams become reality if only for the last few seconds of my reality. because i'm doing it. i'm running. i'm sprinting. i'm almost flying just leaping across this bridge. shift in direction. up the walls. the things that trap us in. is their panic behind me? not sure, but don't really care. i stand over this bridge and abyss of green below me. they always said green was symbolic of calmness and serenity. yeah, i'll be calm now...

the bottom of my shoes,which i can't recall which pair of shoes i'm wearing. they wave goodbye as they leap off the metal, and they greet the air. sorry for such a short hello, but i must be leaving soon they tell the sky and air. all my body parts do the same. goodbye. i even feel like my lips said goodbye. out loud?

i feel an absence. an absence of... force. of ground. i haven't hit it yet. i didn't think i'd be able to fly this long. what? my brain is going in twelve different directions now--- still trying to say goodbye, another direction wondering why in the world am i still trying? one direction trying to think of how i could possibly not injure myself from this stunt, one direction wondering how in the name of harry potter i haven't hurt myself yet. more and more directions. if i don't hit the ground before i die, i think i will die from too much weight in my head from all my different thoughts and panic modes. what is going on? is the most distinct direction.

i feel myself losing sight of the green abyss. it's gone. what is coming into view now?m aybe i DID hit the ground. maybe this is death greeting my feet hello now. it just wasn't anything i ever imagined. but it's gotta be it! that's gotta be the end of my time greeting my feet. what else could be greeting them now? but maybe...

who has control of my vision? no longer me. something, someone has taken over. and now all i can see is... a little girl. she has short, curly bouncy white locks. well, almost white. her hair is blindingly blonde. she has a cherry-red overall dress on, ankle socks, and cherry red buckle shoes. her face, it sparkles with joy and laughter; even if she isn't smiling. her eyes scream wonder and curiousity. oh man, i miss innocence so much. if i could just touch and feel THAT again...

she bounces, she leaps. she's like tigger. and once the thought of tigger entered my mind, i now identified that name as HER name. no other name would fit her now. she held that innocence and happiness and bounce about life no one else but tigger (and possibly roo) held. bounce. bounce. bounce...

what is she bouncing on. what is she bouncing on? i want to bounce! funny, last time i tried jumping, look what happened. funny again... i don't really know what happened after i left the top of the bridge. i forget that thought and continue to watch her bounce. all the sudden she stops. she stares at something. that curiousity in her eyes, holy... it was like someone was giving me an injection of it or something. it made ME curious as who KNOWS what. i saw a shape. four cornered, right angles... a square? she was looking out it. okay, it's a window. she's staring at it. maybe not even staring AT it, but OUT it? she freezes withthat same posisition for 23 seconds (i counted.) and leaps. but this was no average leap. she... she dived into the air. her feet, they waved goodbye to her bedpan and hello to the air for only a split second. sorry i couldn't stay longer, her feet whisper into the silence. and the rest of her body parts. and she lands. right in front of the window. what does that feel like? the moment you land right after you jump? i forgot. but she stood there and did the exact same thing. stare. stare. stare, stare, stare, curiousity, stare, curiousity, stare, stare, stare. at this point, i realized this wasn't like TV; i might be able to reach out and grab what layed in front of my eyes. i did so. nothing. maybe it WAS like TV. i never liked TV anyway. well, not after i turned 15 and a half, i didn't. at that time, i realized watching TV was equivalent to being babysat...psychologically. so i stood, without control; being forced to watch goldilocks stare.and stare. and stare.

but soon enough, she greeted movement by greeting the window. she started drawing shapes and figures on the window (in the window?) with the paintbrush on the tip of her finger. she drew hearts, stars, and happy faces; because that was all she was taught. that was all she ever knew. she tried drawing a musical note, which i admit was pretty advanced for ayoung girl like her. it was in the wrong direction but it was pretty close. it made me miss music. what did music sound like? i had forgotten that too...

as i watched this girl, i felt as if i was staring just like her. in fact... i felt like i was staring into a mirror. doing the same thing as her, or she doing the same thing as me? watching HER look into a mirror. was SHE watching herSELF look into a mirror? i couldn't see what was on the other side of the window. but i knew, that, i saw my reflection on that day. or second. or hour. or centimeter? i forgot about time too.

then she jerked. a noise shattered her serenity. she turned around.
"cole," the voice behind her murmered. "what are you doing ? the neighbors downstairs said they heard a big shake. did you jump off the bed again ?"

tigger glanced over at the figure now identifying with the noise. "yes melody."

melody's eyes came into view now. i could see her pupils lose their graps of gravitational force and rise up to the top of her eyes. "cole," she stated, as if she was tired of repeating herself. "humans can't fly. even if we jump off beds. unless we go in.. airplanes. but everytime you try to fly off the bed you disrupt the neighbors downstairs. so stop, okay?"

i think melody could tell tigger was dissapointed. she looked out the sqaure again. she had this look on her face that i could tell would be imprinted into her spirit for a long, long time. an expression she would use again; holding wonder but dissapointment and discontent as well. "look, cole." melody's figure was defined now as she slid over to tigger. "you can try flying again when the pool is open."

"can we go right now?" oh man, tigger, i would give you a piggy back ride to the pool if i could. those eyes could make me do anything... i think probably anyone else would feel the same.

"no, cole. it's too cold outside. it's almost the end of winter. maybe... maybe in a few months. okay?"

"months, melly!?"

"you can wait, months aren't that long."

this woman. she didn't have a clue. a CLUE. in kid years, minutes were hours, hours were days, days were months, months were years, and years... were a childhood's lifetime.

but tigger just nodded. "melly.. do the neighbors downstairs not like me huh?"

"why would you ask that?"

"well, whenever i'm bouncing my ball outside... they always tell me to stop. like i'm making too much noise. and when i jump off the bed... they tellme to stop. and when i dance... they tell me to stop again."

melody's head nodded. "sweetie, sit down. let me tell you about the neighbor's downstairs."

tigger plopped onto the bed, and melody sat like a ballerina or something. "cole, they aren't blessed like you and i. you see, they want kids like you. they know you have a beautiful spirit... they just can't have kids like you. mommy and daddy are lucky and can. but they just don't have luck in that area i guess. so whenever you bounce your ball, or dance in the kitchen, or jump off your bed... it's just making them remember how they don't have a great kid like you. okay?"

"why can't they have a kid like me? that's a sad story."

"because..." melody stared out the window for a few seconds, silent. "because the stork that brings down the babies to the mommy's and daddy's skipped them on accident. maybe one day he'll come and give them one after all. but now just...isn't the time."

"maybe if i learned how to really fly i can find the stork and tell him to bring them down a baby just like me!"

melody started to comb through her blonde pasta-like hair. "the stork is..." she paused again, out the window her eyes focus flew. "the stork is a lonely one. but he likes being alone. he knows he has to do his job on his own." she nodded to herself. "okay? but i bet he really likes that you want to help so much."

tigger nodded. and that's when i saw it. that when i saw who i was looking at. at that moment, her head nod. the way she understood, and the way she always stared out that window. i knew who it was.


---Chrissy Z


please don't steal. i would copyright this if i knew how. please! (: