Ultra- Sensitivity

sen·si·tiv·i·ty

[ sènssi tívvitee ]

1. consideration: care and understanding of needs and requirements
2. responsiveness: capacity for physical sensation or response

I would imagine the life of a blind person is that which is extremely difficult and grueling. But at the same time, I would imagine with being blind you get a couple of magical powers. Is that rash of me to assume? Let me explain..

I've heard so many cases of blind people having the inability to use their sense of sight, but the ultra ability to use their other senses. They become extremely phenomenal smellers, tasters, listeners, and touchers. They become ultra-sensitive with these senses, and the things they can do with this ultra-sensitivity is magnificent and wondrous.

In times such as now, there are only few things that make sense to me. (If you did not read my last blog post, my mom is currently battling brain cancer. To read about this discovery, click here.) Things that don't quite make sense right now is God's reasoning, the reason for cancer, and much more.

But as I sat in my new choir class today, I see that I am able to make sense out of a few things. One of the few things is music. There is a beauty, wonder, and ultimate world of art/escape/magic/spirituality within music; this is certain. But music is not all fluff, feelings, and emotion. There is marvelous theory, math, logic, within the lines of a time measure. Maybe that's why I can relate so much to music- it allows my brain and heart to flail freely in an open field of imagination and freedom, but it allows lays down frameworks and outlines that make sense to me. Very rarely in this world does a person find an element that is both emotional and logical. It's wonderful and amazing.

One thing people can pick up in their love for music is naming a certain note or key of a song just by hearing it. If you play a note on the piano, guitar, or any other instrument; certain people can tell you what note it is. I never really thought about how they pick up this ability, but today I may have finally put a label to it. What if all people that have this ability merely have an ultra-sensitivity as well? Our musically-wired minds become so involved, in love, or soft to music's touch on our brain and hearts that we know what note is playing right when it plays.

Maybe a better metaphor is hearing a family member walk through the door. You can pick up in your mind who is walking through the door because you have heard the certain way their impact of weight creaks the floor when walking across it, or the squeek in the hardness of the way they grab the door handle, or even the whispy scratching of their pant legs as they pass eachother with each step into the door. Your ears have become so sensitive to each family member walking in the door each day, you can identify who is walking through the door merely by the sound of their shoes. Ultra-sensitivity.

Notice these past three metaphors involve being sensitive to elements of things we cannot see. You can hear everything around you with much more sensitivity when you are blind, but you cannot see. Certain people can hear and imagine the key of a song or the letter of a note in their minds when it plays, but they cannot actually see this note; it's not physical. When you identify a family member as they walk through the door by merely hearing the noise they make, you're identifying them as you hear them; not by seeing them.

Here's another thing you cannot physically see: God.

Maybe You can see Him through people's actions. But You cannot physically see God's hands pressing and massaging the physical hearts of individuals. You cannot physically see God pushing every single moment in time in cause of a previous moment in time for His will. He is not physical.

Does this mean that, in order to follow Christ, we need to have an ultra-sensitivity to Him?
Imagine if we had such ultra-sensitivity towards God, that we wouldn't need to see Him to believe in Him. The blind do not need to see people to know they exist and are talking to them. Certain musicians don't need chord charts to identify a note. And you don't need to look at the door to make sure that your family member is the family member you're thinking of- you can simply call out, "Hey, Dad" and he will reply "Hey, how was your day?"

So many people fall away from God because of this lack of physical being proving that He exists. Through this time I have even considered the same thing (along with not being able to understand His reasoning, as I mentioned earlier). Maybe we just haven't mastered the art of ultra-sensitivity.

In truth, a person doesn't have to. They don't have to be super emotional to know and confirm that God's existance is present and alive. Understanding and admiring God's existance is emotional, logical, and everything in between.

But just imagine, if we could adapt the idea of ultra-sensitivity of our senses to God's presence... we could begin to understand Him and His will for us. We could fully sense that He is everywhere- without having to see Him.

2 Corinthians 5:7 "We live by faith, not by sight."

the most beautiful Lily

Now more than ever, my family and I are truly learning how to Consider the Lilies.

When I wrote this blog, the theme and name was based on not worrying. it was based on a verse in Matthew that talks about not worrying about clothing. flowers are beautiful; and they don't work or toil for beauty or clothing. yet they are even more beautiful then an own king's clothing and robes. they simply blow in the wind, and grow, and let things happen on their own. they don't worry about money, or how things will turn out.

when i started this blog, i would have never imagined in a million jillion years that my mom would have to battle brain cancer.

it has only been a week since our acknowledgement of the tumor and three days of acknowledgement of her cancer, and it has been long. hard. emotional. heart-tearing. beyond the boundaries of words or descriptions any author could try to write. one could picture this like a bomb upon our family. i hate to be frank but i am ready to be completely honest with myself and anyone who is reading this. cancer sucks, and it sucks hard. i don't really know how else to describe the hardship
and so, we take shifts visiting mom in her room at the beautiful and amazing hospital of City of Hope. we try to distract ourselves in the waiting room with conversations, personally i have been playing card games with family friends that have come to visit. only once have i looked out the large beautiful windows that frame the waiting rooms and show the beauty of the campus and beyond.

that one time was right after mom's doctor told us the tumor was probably malignant (cancerous). my dad walked over to look out the window, away from all of our family, just to be by himself. i walked over to comfort him, but eventually found myself curling up in a ball just staring out the window.

my mom is so beautiful, inside and out. she radiates love literally in every action and step and words she takes and says. she is an angel- OUR angel- MY angel- GOD'S angel. she is strong, but gentle; the perfect balance. she is full of songs, hope, and most of all, LOVE. why must she take on the weight of this cancer? i know God does not give us anything we cannot bear, so this only demonstrates the immense strength God has truly given to her.

but looking out the window, my thoughts were as blurred over as my vision in that moment. the sky was gray with clouds, so were everyone's thoughts and hearts. it's ironic because the brain cancer awareness ribbon is gray too. could all these elements relate to one another for a reason? a God-given reason?

and now it's time to be honest about my feelings with God through this process.

i honestly haven't been able to identify them.

everyone is so loving and encouraging, sending various verses and love. they all are strengthening and extremely positive and uplifting. they all work together to show God's love story for us. yet, my heart still felt cloudy and gray, like the sky the evening we found out mom's tumor is probably malignant. i can't say i have been fully clinging to Him, either. i pray and pray and pray, but i don't feel.

today for the first time... i felt.

maybe it was the caffeine from the mcdonald's latte i ordered. maybe it was that my mom and i had some pretty fun conversations and laughs in her room today. maybe it was God using both of those things to light up my spirit to show me everything is going to be ok. maybe it was just God in general.

pretty sure it was the last one.

but when i was done with my visiting turn, my dad sat beside me.

"today i felt like your mom was doing alot better," he pleaded to me. "we really had a nice time. she's talking more and she is just altogether doing well."

God is evident, whether i have the emotional ability to acknowledge Him or not. He is evident in the thousands of prayers that are being whispered and shouted over and over by many amazing people (thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers. i'd like to think your prayers bring forth days like today. thank you.). He is evident in the hundreds of texts, encouragements, and verses people persist to us. He is evident when mom keeps repeating, "this is all about love. God is love. love, love, love," even if she is drugged up or has a brain tumor. He is evident when He gives me times to laugh with my aunts or cry with them. He is evident in the many meals angels are giving to us each night. (you know who you are! <3 nbsp="" p="">
He is evident in my dad's physical disability. He is evident in my mom's cancer. He is evident in the blur and the gray and the depression and the tears and the misunderstanding and the emotional trauma and the dry of the desert.

He is evident in inspiring me to write about the most painful situation i have ever dealt with in my life-- the one person i have loved the most on this earth is battling cancer.

my mom has God's strength and an angel army of love surrounding her. there are many people who want to visit her, but she has gone way over the amount of visitors aloud because of the angel army she cannot physically see that surrounds her.

i want to look out the window and find the lilies, and consider how they don't worry about anything. i want to watch them grow as God touches them with His own hand to spring them into life. they must turmoil through grey skies of rain, but they don't worry because that in fact is what brings them to life. we don't understand why God has made the process of growth in this fashion, but it is His so it is beautiful. i want to be a lily. i want my family to be a patch of lilies in God's field, so that we don't worry but we'll grow through this.

most of all, i want my mom to be cancer free, if it is God's will.

thank you for praying for my mom, the most beautiful lily in the world.


"(my mom's) soul finds rest in God alone, (my mom's) salvation comes from Him. He alone is (her) rock and salvation, He is (her) fortress, (SHE) WILL NOT BE SHAKEN." Psalm 62:1-2

Step #1

You are never going to move or take any kind of action unless you allow yourself to.

Are you thinking I just stated the obvious? Then again, with us being humans and all, we often have to be reminded of the obvious quite a few times.

I'll give a physical example. There is a young and sweet girl who is getting behind the wheel of the car for the first time to learn to drive. She is scared out of her wits and just can't bring herself to even start the car. If she never allows herself to even turn the key, she will never be able to drive anywhere.

If you were to think of everything you do in a matter of steps or direction, you wouldn't normally start off with "step #1: come to an emotional acceptance and consensus that you will start and possibly complete this activity." It's sort of implied. Isn't it?

Or, is it?

Before I referred to a physical example, and now I will refer to an emotional one. When a young student goes up to 'church camp' for a week, it becomes very easy to get "pumped for Jesus", meaning; it becomes easy to be enthusiastic about your faith and simple to agree that you want to make a change in your faith for the bolder and the better.

Next, a lot of your friends at camp all feel a similar way. Maybe not all of them, but the majority agree that they are ready to change and grow closer to God.

You eventually get back from camp and discuss what you've learned with the rest if the youth group. Mostly everyone has taken something special from camp- awesome!- and you all agree that you want to grow closer to each other, along with growing closer to the Lord.

A month later, school starts, and so does the decay of your enthusiastic aspirations.

By the way, if i ever used the word 'you' in the past few paragraphs, i was certainly talking about myself, in hopes maybe whoever is reading this can relate.

so Why does this keep happening? Why do we keep declining year after year of going to the all- amazing church camp? Because we didn't acknowledge the "already assumed first step" enough. We didn't think: "step one: allow yourself to fully dedicate yourself to making change happen."

So if an individual must allow themselves to do something, does this also mean that they are the ones who are restricting themselves from doing whatever ambitions they had set forward in the first place?

Yes! Exactly. If we truly 100% want badly to change or move or do anything ambitious, then we would allow ourselves to do just that. But if you notice that you are not moving or starting change, then you might not completely want what you thought you wanted.

I challenge you to think to yourself:

1. What do I truly want to do with my life?
2. Is that what I am currently doing with my life?
3. How did you come to be in the place you are at in life?
4. If I am not where I want to be, what could be a possible reason as to why I am stopping myself from being there?
5. What can/should I do to be there?

Accept and allow yourself to move forward. I struggle with this everyday. You are never alone in your struggle. And remember, God overcomes everything; including whatever reasons we are keeping ourselves from reaching our full potential.

No Nauticals Necessary

***I don't know what I ate before bed, but I had one of the coolest dreams I've ever had in a long time. It goes something like this:

I found myself on a ship in the ocean, and not underneath the sky; but in some sort of contained place. You couldn't tell it was contained by looking up except that you just sensed it had to end somewhere-plus the sky was colored as cardboard. The ocean itself was more than just your average blue, it actually had alot of different colors that, for some reason, I felt very emotionally attatched to. Each color affected my emotions in different ways. It was very strange. But soon it all made sense.

I was gripping for my life to the ship's mast, since the waves were tugging and pulling the ship in so many directions. I was feeling sick and scared and on top of it I remember my head really hurt too. I didn't know where I was going or what I was here for, but I just couldn't help but worry sick about all these different emotionally- associated colors of the ocean.

Suddenly, a light appeared. I could not define or distinguish the light, or what was in it, but it shined brighter than anything I had ever seen. It was almost blinding. The longer I stared at the light, the less I thought about the colors of the ocean. A voice then spoke from the light. It was calm, comforting, accepting, welcoming.

"Here is the shore ahead. Sail your ship into it."

Almost effortlessly I did, frightened by what kind of power the Light had over me if I did not.

For a moment we looked into eachother- a long moment. I don't know what happened in that moment, but it was if we had become one. I could never be as beautiful as Him, but He was inside me now. (He was still a Light I could physically see, but I felt a warmth and light inside of myself as well.)

He saw my hurting, He saw my worry, and He saw my brokeness. I knew He did. And I didn't know how to feel about this kind of exposure at first.

"Come with me." He reached out His hand. I don't really understand how I was able to take hold of His hand since He was literally Light, but I still felt His grasp in my palm.

He waved His other hand over the colored sea before us, and suddenly; it was split into two halves, a clean and narrow path down the middle of the ocean.

"Nothing can hurt You. Let's walk."

I took my chances and trusted Him. I looked at the oceans around me, amazed as what He at done; not believing any of this was real-- but it felt so real at the same time.

He had noticed me observing the currents surrounding us, but not touching us. "Daughter, this is an ocean of your thoughts. Each wave is one thought from your mind. They pull you and grab at You in every which way. But if you continue to let me guide you and if you come with me, I will part the seas of Your thoughts and make a way to peace in your heart."

I got one last look into the light before I woke up.

***This was not an actual dream I had

Dear *,

Finals are tomorrow, but luckily I only have one "serious" final. So instead of studying, I'm going to write some confessions out. I'm not going to address who these confessions are to, and I'm going to be very vague. I actually don't know the purpose of writing these confessions but oh well.  So here we go.


Dear *, You helped me tremendously today. You stayed with me really late to make sure I was okay- and I was, especially because you were making sure I was! You are such an inspiration in my life and I will always put you as my number one role model.

Dear *, today we stood and said no words at first, but eventually you spoke up. It wasn't even something super deep or meaningful, but just the fact you started the conversation meant the world to me. I always feel like I am the one trying to engage people and ask enough questions to get people to talk, but you initiated the conversation. Thank you so much, I hope I meet more people like you with such a friendly characteristic. I even sort of hope one day we can talk once again!

Dear *, You literally will never understand how much you mean to me, because you don't speak English :). But, just by us looking at eachother I have to wonder if you understand my love for you. The kind of fondness you and I share is one I actually see as a metaphor. You will never know how much I love you, you'll never understand. And this is how God looks at us as well. Thanks for always automatically making me smile right as I walk through the door. I never thought someone like you would have such an effect on my life, but you have; and you'll always have a part of my heart.

Dear *, Thank you for being there for everyone. Thank you for being such a good authority figure, and for being such a helper. Thank you for being so Godly.

Dear *, thank you for practicing putting the last first.

Dear *, thank you for having such a shining light in your spirit. Your kindness made my whole day brighter, along with your innocence and helping heart. Thank you for your gift as well.

Dear *, thank you for taking time to sit with me and ask how I was doing, more than once. I secretly love it when you ask me how I'm doing, or even when we talk. I genuinely enjoy it. You seem quiet, which is awesome. But thank you for asking me how I'm doing, and for sitting by me even when you didn't know me that well. I want to know you well.

Dear *, thank you for taking time to sit with me and asking how I was doing, more than once. Your submissiveness and heart is so pure and genuine, and I sincerely wish there were more people in the world like you. You are such a good person, and I also love that you are trying to figure out faith and who God truly is. And that you are honest about it. I pray that you know that you have a super awesome purpose and that there should be more people in the world like you. Your smile rocks too!!

Dear *, thank you for your pure kindness and your understanding ways. You are one of the nicest and most awesome mentors I've ever had.

Dear *, I'm not sure if we've met yet, but let me introduce myself in case we haven't. I'm Chrissy, well my full name is Christina but I'm mostly called Chrissy. I don't know your name, but I'm sure it sounds like a song and has a certain cadence to it. And I'm sure our names harmonize perfectly along with everything else inside of us. Maybe not perfectly, but purposely- meaning, we have purpose. We fit together. I'm so excited for us to become a triangle, us being the two bottom corners and God being the top corner. I'm excited to go on drives and show you songs that remind me of you. I'm excited to share the world with you. I'm excited to share life with you. I'm excited to meet you.

Dear God, thank you for all these people. There are so many other people I am thankful for, and You know who they are. But thank You for these little moments, big moments, and everything in between that I have shared with these amazing people. I love them, but I love them because I love You; actually, because You love me.

Love, Chrissy

The Power of Life and Death

Here's a riddle: what holds the power of life and death, but at the same time; is not as powerful as we think?

Words.

Words have been a huge theme in my life lately. God's really been showing me how much power words hold, and then he has also showed me how much power they do not hold.

The idea of "gossip" has been thrown my way a lot lately. Thankfully I have not experienced or dealt with it presently, but rather; I have been learning to identify what is and isn't gossip; and how it is preventable but if played with too much, it cannot be fixed. Imagine ripping open a pillow at the top of a building and letting all the feathers fly in every which way. Now imagine the challenge of trying to collect all the feathers again. Pretty difficult, right? You can't. This is the same thing with words. You can't collect them back. You can't undo them. You can ask for forgiveness, but those words will leave an imprint on someone's memory forever. These words hold power.

But there are positive and wonderful words that hold power, too. Words of encouragement, words of God, words of love, hold much more power than gossiping or negativity or slandering words can. Because, words of love can overtake words of hate and pain; in the process of forgiveness. But words of hate and negativity cannot defeat words of love. It may seem or feel that way, but it is never the case- I promise. If the love you put in your words is real and true... if it is God's love... than it can do and conquer anything. You will really never know how much a simple statement of encouragement could mean to someone. It could save someone's life-- many stories have been told where someone was on the brink of suicide, but because someone encouraged them in some way; they are still living today. These words hold MORE power.

"The tongue holds the power of life and death..." -Proverbs 18:21

But, there are other times where words can only get so far. But I mean this in a different way. It is true that words of negativity and words of love hold power, immense power- but words themselves cannot make you physically see things. It can make you imagine things, it can help you to picture things, and it can make you feel things; but you cannot physically see things by hearing words.

You know exactly what I am talking about, don't you? God.

Words in scripture are the foundation of what we believe in as Christ followers. We use verses to back up why we believe in Jesus Christ as our savior. We show God's love through our words as well. Heck, look what I'm doing right now- I'm using my words to convey a point. But my words can only get so far.

"You keep saying that... you keep saying 'my words can only get so far.' So what do you mean?"

What I mean is that words are human. God is not human. Humans have questions that consist of words- and they especially have questions about God.

And- you guessed it- God is not human.

We can't always classify, prove, or label God with human words. They aren't powerful or meaningful enough. This is where real faith comes in.

Real faith isn't made up of words. It consists of trust, hope, pure belief, and the ability to rely on things you cannot see. I am sorry to say that we do not have all the answers to every question about Christianity, God, the world. (He does, but again; He is not human, so our human minds won't always be able to wrap around His answers.) What we have is what we know to be true- so, a collection of words. But the rest is faith. The rest is belief and confidence in something you cannot see.

No, God's not scientific. Faith isn't 100% logical, and the love of Christ can't be boxed down into an equation. And it is because it is not from humans. It is not man-made. It is from God.

Words are powerful, but God is the most powerful.

Happy New Year...& Month, Week, Day, Minute, and Second.

I have to wonder what God thinks of humanity's labels on time. What I mean is, what does of He think of us diving time into sections of years? Months? Weeks? Days? Hours? Minutes, and seconds? I would think He doesn't think "At 3 o clock, I am going to make it rain."

Not to say he doesn't think about every single detail, and not to say that He doesn't take into consideration that we humans DO think in these divisions and labels of time; but I wouldn't think He Himself thinks, "It's 2013! Happy new year." But then maybe He would. He knew that someone was going to put a numerical label on a certain amount of time- He created that person.

Now that I'm done babbling, I guess I am just thinking how interesting it is that humans think January 1st is the official day to start over. Why couldn't you start over last summer? Why couldn't you start over yesterday? It's not bad that you didn't, it's just funny that humans resolve themselves on a specific day. We celebrate changing numbers every year, the changing number on the end of the "year" label.

What if we celebrated every changing minute? "It's 3:30! Happy new minute!" And one minute later, "It's 3:31!! Happy new minute!!" It's a crazy thought, and it might get really annoying to hear people celebrating every changing minute (let's just think about if we celebrated every changing second- hah!); but maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Maybe we don't have to literally yell out loud the fact that we are currently in a new minute, but what if we celebrated life ALL the time- ALL of life's moments? What if we lived in the moment everyday like we live in the moment once the clock hits 12:00 on New Year's Day?

That would mean celebrating every KIND of moment- the good, the bad, and... the ugly, and the beautiful; because- in the end- they are all God's moments.

And it can be really hard to think about the fact that all the moments are God's moments. Especially moments where we find pride in something we accomplished on our own (or so we would like to think), or in the moments that make us forget God's presence and, once remembering His presence, only make us frustrated or upset with Him.

I know I have experienced both these moments in 2012- probably more than once.

But no matter how I have felt, whether I have wept, yelled, laughed, shook my head, jumped, smiled, feared, hid, or sang; He was always there. Always.

Tonight some friends of mine gathered around, had a good time, and then prayed for the new year. (Yes, I have very awesome friends.) We remembered the hard times and the great times, we wondered why God let certain things happen but knew in our hearts that He is powerful and knows what He is doing. We proclaimed Him ruler and holder of all things.

And that is enough. It's amazing to think that the chunk of the next 365 days is in His hands, too. And the next chunk, and the next chunk, and the next.

Happy new year, and happy new minute, and second; because God is in every moment and that is something to celebrate.