the most beautiful Lily

Now more than ever, my family and I are truly learning how to Consider the Lilies.

When I wrote this blog, the theme and name was based on not worrying. it was based on a verse in Matthew that talks about not worrying about clothing. flowers are beautiful; and they don't work or toil for beauty or clothing. yet they are even more beautiful then an own king's clothing and robes. they simply blow in the wind, and grow, and let things happen on their own. they don't worry about money, or how things will turn out.

when i started this blog, i would have never imagined in a million jillion years that my mom would have to battle brain cancer.

it has only been a week since our acknowledgement of the tumor and three days of acknowledgement of her cancer, and it has been long. hard. emotional. heart-tearing. beyond the boundaries of words or descriptions any author could try to write. one could picture this like a bomb upon our family. i hate to be frank but i am ready to be completely honest with myself and anyone who is reading this. cancer sucks, and it sucks hard. i don't really know how else to describe the hardship
and so, we take shifts visiting mom in her room at the beautiful and amazing hospital of City of Hope. we try to distract ourselves in the waiting room with conversations, personally i have been playing card games with family friends that have come to visit. only once have i looked out the large beautiful windows that frame the waiting rooms and show the beauty of the campus and beyond.

that one time was right after mom's doctor told us the tumor was probably malignant (cancerous). my dad walked over to look out the window, away from all of our family, just to be by himself. i walked over to comfort him, but eventually found myself curling up in a ball just staring out the window.

my mom is so beautiful, inside and out. she radiates love literally in every action and step and words she takes and says. she is an angel- OUR angel- MY angel- GOD'S angel. she is strong, but gentle; the perfect balance. she is full of songs, hope, and most of all, LOVE. why must she take on the weight of this cancer? i know God does not give us anything we cannot bear, so this only demonstrates the immense strength God has truly given to her.

but looking out the window, my thoughts were as blurred over as my vision in that moment. the sky was gray with clouds, so were everyone's thoughts and hearts. it's ironic because the brain cancer awareness ribbon is gray too. could all these elements relate to one another for a reason? a God-given reason?

and now it's time to be honest about my feelings with God through this process.

i honestly haven't been able to identify them.

everyone is so loving and encouraging, sending various verses and love. they all are strengthening and extremely positive and uplifting. they all work together to show God's love story for us. yet, my heart still felt cloudy and gray, like the sky the evening we found out mom's tumor is probably malignant. i can't say i have been fully clinging to Him, either. i pray and pray and pray, but i don't feel.

today for the first time... i felt.

maybe it was the caffeine from the mcdonald's latte i ordered. maybe it was that my mom and i had some pretty fun conversations and laughs in her room today. maybe it was God using both of those things to light up my spirit to show me everything is going to be ok. maybe it was just God in general.

pretty sure it was the last one.

but when i was done with my visiting turn, my dad sat beside me.

"today i felt like your mom was doing alot better," he pleaded to me. "we really had a nice time. she's talking more and she is just altogether doing well."

God is evident, whether i have the emotional ability to acknowledge Him or not. He is evident in the thousands of prayers that are being whispered and shouted over and over by many amazing people (thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers. i'd like to think your prayers bring forth days like today. thank you.). He is evident in the hundreds of texts, encouragements, and verses people persist to us. He is evident when mom keeps repeating, "this is all about love. God is love. love, love, love," even if she is drugged up or has a brain tumor. He is evident when He gives me times to laugh with my aunts or cry with them. He is evident in the many meals angels are giving to us each night. (you know who you are! <3 nbsp="" p="">
He is evident in my dad's physical disability. He is evident in my mom's cancer. He is evident in the blur and the gray and the depression and the tears and the misunderstanding and the emotional trauma and the dry of the desert.

He is evident in inspiring me to write about the most painful situation i have ever dealt with in my life-- the one person i have loved the most on this earth is battling cancer.

my mom has God's strength and an angel army of love surrounding her. there are many people who want to visit her, but she has gone way over the amount of visitors aloud because of the angel army she cannot physically see that surrounds her.

i want to look out the window and find the lilies, and consider how they don't worry about anything. i want to watch them grow as God touches them with His own hand to spring them into life. they must turmoil through grey skies of rain, but they don't worry because that in fact is what brings them to life. we don't understand why God has made the process of growth in this fashion, but it is His so it is beautiful. i want to be a lily. i want my family to be a patch of lilies in God's field, so that we don't worry but we'll grow through this.

most of all, i want my mom to be cancer free, if it is God's will.

thank you for praying for my mom, the most beautiful lily in the world.


"(my mom's) soul finds rest in God alone, (my mom's) salvation comes from Him. He alone is (her) rock and salvation, He is (her) fortress, (SHE) WILL NOT BE SHAKEN." Psalm 62:1-2