mansion

"we don't want blessings...we want You."

we knocked on the door of the house. nope not a house. a room that had a 10 inch wall between itselt and it's neighbor. an old woman comes out, short and knows no english. but it's okay because carlos can translate. he's really quiet and sweet, but is probably most valuable among all of us. they exchange words and i feel like i've seen this woman before--- not in the fact that i recognize her, but in the fact there are so many woman out there like her. from looks at least. but after they exchange words, carlos and this small woman, underneath her glasses her brown eyes sparkle with hope. it's hard to completley remember what was said, but after they takled for a little bit she invited us in her home. and it might as well been as big as a house because of all the pictures inside it, it felt like it was BIGGER than a regular home; and how she probably treasured all the people posing on her wall-- children, adults, and in between. and right as we walked inside her house was no longer just a small door with people peeking out the thick screen door--- it was a mansion. a mansion of pictures, and of hope for a better future.

we stepped inside the mansion and she continued to talk to us. she gave us a pamphlet of her church-- we had invited her to ours too. and then, the leader in the v-neck, asked if she needed prayer; beinghis job and all. but when he asked this time, it didn't really seem like it was his job and he HAD to ask. there was something different about it. then she looked to carlos, and possibly looked down, and stated a sentence of spanish. carlos repeated, "she said to pray cause her husband drinks alcohol and does drugs." we wrapped our hands around eachothers and said a prayer for the husband. her name was brinda. it was a beautiful prayer. and the great thing was, half of us didn't know the other half at all. but after that prayer, i felt like we had known the other half by more than just the translator and the intern in the v-neck who knew what to say. i knew one thing about all of them, including the lady: the Lord was working in them. they all starved for God. and the truth is, sometimes that's all we need to know. and that day, it was.

we walked out of the mansion, being hugged with deep thanksgiving and kissed on the cheek by the lady who was no longer just like any other lady by looks. she wanted hope. i don't know if she knew it or not but she had it. in her mansion, in her spirit, in eachother's hands when we wrapped them around eachothers, in her big brown eyes behind the glasses. for maybe a minute in that circle we all forgot who we were. not sure if we could tell you our names at the moment, we were all one person just crying out to God for His help. and He will. maybe not in the way we want even, but in the way we need.

and we continued to be one person. of course we exchanged questions like, "where do you want to go from this, v-neck?" and from v-neck to us "where do you guys go to school?" and thanking carlos for his amazing talents. thank God for carlos. he lived in those homes, and got to develop connections and relationships with them and speak in their tongue. a few of them even said "ey carlos."

a lady with no nerve endings asking if she could bring her walker on the bus to the church behind one thick black screen door. a lady with a newborn baby telling us to pray for her stress and just for peace in her home. a girl with stringy hair and some of the most beautiful hazel eyes who i wish i'd have asked if she needed any prayer.

i had more fun knocking on doors talking to strangers in LA then i have had in this entire 2011.

"we don't want blessings...we want You."

Coulette-- chapter one.

the bridge, it was quite long. and when i ran across it, i wanted to go off course, jump over the side and land in the abyss of... the rest of time. would something stop me anyway? maybe "God" would stop me. maybe, right before i leap into the air, i would realize the meaning of life!! maybe, the love of my life would come dashing in to save the day, grabbing my shoulder and yelling, "wait! -huff huff- instead of jumping off the bridge... would you like to walk to the end of it with me?"

i know what i'd like to walk to the end of. this life. so, i'm gonna do it. my friends always told me, what if you were trapped in a white chamber with a terrorist giving me two choices: to kill myself, or for him to torture me for the rest of my life. would "God" understand? oh man i HATED those kinds of questions. just shuddup, kay? because truthfully, why the HECK would that even happen? honestly. some people have to much time on there brains... anyway. even if i wasn't in the chamber i'd still do it. not just cause i hate my life and everything. i'm not like that. you know, one of those "depressed" people who THINK they are depressed but are really starving for eyes to be fixed on the black that they drown themselves in (whether they're drowing in their too-thick eyeliner or their too-tight pants or band tees.) i just... wanted to feel something. i felt NOTHING in this life. you know, i thought i felt love once. but look at me now. so i'm tired of trying to feel love. i wanna feel the adrenaline of flying. what does it feel like to fly? i've always wondered, and dreamt....

dreams become reality if only for the last few seconds of my reality. because i'm doing it. i'm running. i'm sprinting. i'm almost flying just leaping across this bridge. shift in direction. up the walls. the things that trap us in. is their panic behind me? not sure, but don't really care. i stand over this bridge and abyss of green below me. they always said green was symbolic of calmness and serenity. yeah, i'll be calm now...

the bottom of my shoes,which i can't recall which pair of shoes i'm wearing. they wave goodbye as they leap off the metal, and they greet the air. sorry for such a short hello, but i must be leaving soon they tell the sky and air. all my body parts do the same. goodbye. i even feel like my lips said goodbye. out loud?

i feel an absence. an absence of... force. of ground. i haven't hit it yet. i didn't think i'd be able to fly this long. what? my brain is going in twelve different directions now--- still trying to say goodbye, another direction wondering why in the world am i still trying? one direction trying to think of how i could possibly not injure myself from this stunt, one direction wondering how in the name of harry potter i haven't hurt myself yet. more and more directions. if i don't hit the ground before i die, i think i will die from too much weight in my head from all my different thoughts and panic modes. what is going on? is the most distinct direction.

i feel myself losing sight of the green abyss. it's gone. what is coming into view now?m aybe i DID hit the ground. maybe this is death greeting my feet hello now. it just wasn't anything i ever imagined. but it's gotta be it! that's gotta be the end of my time greeting my feet. what else could be greeting them now? but maybe...

who has control of my vision? no longer me. something, someone has taken over. and now all i can see is... a little girl. she has short, curly bouncy white locks. well, almost white. her hair is blindingly blonde. she has a cherry-red overall dress on, ankle socks, and cherry red buckle shoes. her face, it sparkles with joy and laughter; even if she isn't smiling. her eyes scream wonder and curiousity. oh man, i miss innocence so much. if i could just touch and feel THAT again...

she bounces, she leaps. she's like tigger. and once the thought of tigger entered my mind, i now identified that name as HER name. no other name would fit her now. she held that innocence and happiness and bounce about life no one else but tigger (and possibly roo) held. bounce. bounce. bounce...

what is she bouncing on. what is she bouncing on? i want to bounce! funny, last time i tried jumping, look what happened. funny again... i don't really know what happened after i left the top of the bridge. i forget that thought and continue to watch her bounce. all the sudden she stops. she stares at something. that curiousity in her eyes, holy... it was like someone was giving me an injection of it or something. it made ME curious as who KNOWS what. i saw a shape. four cornered, right angles... a square? she was looking out it. okay, it's a window. she's staring at it. maybe not even staring AT it, but OUT it? she freezes withthat same posisition for 23 seconds (i counted.) and leaps. but this was no average leap. she... she dived into the air. her feet, they waved goodbye to her bedpan and hello to the air for only a split second. sorry i couldn't stay longer, her feet whisper into the silence. and the rest of her body parts. and she lands. right in front of the window. what does that feel like? the moment you land right after you jump? i forgot. but she stood there and did the exact same thing. stare. stare. stare, stare, stare, curiousity, stare, curiousity, stare, stare, stare. at this point, i realized this wasn't like TV; i might be able to reach out and grab what layed in front of my eyes. i did so. nothing. maybe it WAS like TV. i never liked TV anyway. well, not after i turned 15 and a half, i didn't. at that time, i realized watching TV was equivalent to being babysat...psychologically. so i stood, without control; being forced to watch goldilocks stare.and stare. and stare.

but soon enough, she greeted movement by greeting the window. she started drawing shapes and figures on the window (in the window?) with the paintbrush on the tip of her finger. she drew hearts, stars, and happy faces; because that was all she was taught. that was all she ever knew. she tried drawing a musical note, which i admit was pretty advanced for ayoung girl like her. it was in the wrong direction but it was pretty close. it made me miss music. what did music sound like? i had forgotten that too...

as i watched this girl, i felt as if i was staring just like her. in fact... i felt like i was staring into a mirror. doing the same thing as her, or she doing the same thing as me? watching HER look into a mirror. was SHE watching herSELF look into a mirror? i couldn't see what was on the other side of the window. but i knew, that, i saw my reflection on that day. or second. or hour. or centimeter? i forgot about time too.

then she jerked. a noise shattered her serenity. she turned around.
"cole," the voice behind her murmered. "what are you doing ? the neighbors downstairs said they heard a big shake. did you jump off the bed again ?"

tigger glanced over at the figure now identifying with the noise. "yes melody."

melody's eyes came into view now. i could see her pupils lose their graps of gravitational force and rise up to the top of her eyes. "cole," she stated, as if she was tired of repeating herself. "humans can't fly. even if we jump off beds. unless we go in.. airplanes. but everytime you try to fly off the bed you disrupt the neighbors downstairs. so stop, okay?"

i think melody could tell tigger was dissapointed. she looked out the sqaure again. she had this look on her face that i could tell would be imprinted into her spirit for a long, long time. an expression she would use again; holding wonder but dissapointment and discontent as well. "look, cole." melody's figure was defined now as she slid over to tigger. "you can try flying again when the pool is open."

"can we go right now?" oh man, tigger, i would give you a piggy back ride to the pool if i could. those eyes could make me do anything... i think probably anyone else would feel the same.

"no, cole. it's too cold outside. it's almost the end of winter. maybe... maybe in a few months. okay?"

"months, melly!?"

"you can wait, months aren't that long."

this woman. she didn't have a clue. a CLUE. in kid years, minutes were hours, hours were days, days were months, months were years, and years... were a childhood's lifetime.

but tigger just nodded. "melly.. do the neighbors downstairs not like me huh?"

"why would you ask that?"

"well, whenever i'm bouncing my ball outside... they always tell me to stop. like i'm making too much noise. and when i jump off the bed... they tellme to stop. and when i dance... they tell me to stop again."

melody's head nodded. "sweetie, sit down. let me tell you about the neighbor's downstairs."

tigger plopped onto the bed, and melody sat like a ballerina or something. "cole, they aren't blessed like you and i. you see, they want kids like you. they know you have a beautiful spirit... they just can't have kids like you. mommy and daddy are lucky and can. but they just don't have luck in that area i guess. so whenever you bounce your ball, or dance in the kitchen, or jump off your bed... it's just making them remember how they don't have a great kid like you. okay?"

"why can't they have a kid like me? that's a sad story."

"because..." melody stared out the window for a few seconds, silent. "because the stork that brings down the babies to the mommy's and daddy's skipped them on accident. maybe one day he'll come and give them one after all. but now just...isn't the time."

"maybe if i learned how to really fly i can find the stork and tell him to bring them down a baby just like me!"

melody started to comb through her blonde pasta-like hair. "the stork is..." she paused again, out the window her eyes focus flew. "the stork is a lonely one. but he likes being alone. he knows he has to do his job on his own." she nodded to herself. "okay? but i bet he really likes that you want to help so much."

tigger nodded. and that's when i saw it. that when i saw who i was looking at. at that moment, her head nod. the way she understood, and the way she always stared out that window. i knew who it was.


---Chrissy Z


please don't steal. i would copyright this if i knew how. please! (: