And I can honestly say, today I cried tears of sadness and confusion; but it was still a great day.
Everyone has at least one question they will never be able to answer. Say that you can't stop thinking about that question. Say that your question has started eating at you, and that your question won't leave you alone until you're either sure of yourself or you're completely the opposite-- alot of times it's the latter, unfortunately.
So you pull into the school parking lot at around 7 and eat your special K with a Yogurtland spoon and pray. You keep having dreams about your question, your question persisting and pressuring you to find an answer. Ugh! It's almost seemingly choking you. So you pray to God, saying you want to find fulfillment and truth and satisfaction in Him alone; not in a question's answer. He gives you encuoragement and you even end up writing a poem about it.
Then he gives you various other blessings throughout the day, and you start to think to yourself, "Psh! Who needs the answer to that silly question anyway? Not this guy/girl!" And you drive home singing worship songs.
You still feel on top of the world. You take a good power nap with no dreams about the question at all, and then you go jogging with your adorable dog playing more worship songs. And, it's beautiful outside!
Then, comes night time. And suddenly, the question starts feeding at you again. At first it's not so bad, but then it gets worse. You see how much you think you need an answer, and it eventually takes a bite out of you. It hurts to not know what's going to happen. It hurts to hold on to the past.
So, you cry. You just want to let go and let God, so what is stopping you? Why won't the hurt and the fear and trembling go away?
Then, as your mother is hugging you, you see a quote that is taped on the front of your door. You supposedly taped it up yourself, but maybe it was God's doing instead.
It read:
". . .work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose."
And then your worry melted away. Funny, once you realized fear and doubt help you reach salvation (the definition of salvation, mind you, is: preservation or deliverence from harm, ruin, or loss) that's when it went away.
It's okay to fear, to question, to doubt, to wonder. That is how we accumulate and see God's grace. That quote on your door was God telling you you're not supposed to feel perfect inside. You are going to have to live life with dark feelings sometimes; but it will make you stronger, and if you don't let them get to you, it will bring you closer to Him.
And then you lived happily ever after. <>
