Facing Timidity

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. 

timidity definition: lacking in boldness or determination
antonyms for timidity: audacity, courage, bravery, fearlessness, valor

Lord, you call me to power, love, and discipline. There are so many different versions of this verse, but all speak the same idea: you call me into Your love, Your strength, Your shelter, Your empowerment; and You give these things to me to claim as my own. Because YOU are loving, strong, a shelter, powerful; I am now loving/loved, strong, sheltered and protected, empowered.

In the past week, my emotional stamina seems to be reflective of someone who is ignorant to this encouraging information. I have had a spirit of timidity.

I thought my crashing point of realization was when I got in a fender bender because I was too busy thinking about all the things I had to do, or all the things I could have done better.

But then I thought it was when I kept making mistakes at work.

And even after that, more and more occurrences kept happening where I made mistakes. 

Honestly, it hurts to think of all the mistakes I made. But I think what is worse, God, is that I went exactly against what You call us to do- to love and to give grace. No, it wasn't about giving love or grace to other people- I mean I did not give it to myself.

It is funny, God, how You know my thoughts. You know I think to myself when I make these mistakes, "That person is going to think less of me, that manager is going to be annoyed with me, that person isn't going to trust me with that task anymore." Ironically enough, the car accident was less stressful emotionally than some of the other small mistakes I made this week. I realized it's because I didn't know the person who's car I bumped into. They were a stranger to me. When I make mistakes in front of other people who I care about, it's a show. They're the audience, and I'm making a fool of myself. That is seriously how it plays out in my mind!

But God, I now realize that none of those people feel or think that way about me. If they do, it doesn't matter anyway. But there is always one person who HAS given me the reprimand that I'm so fearful of, the beating that I'm afraid I deserve when I mess up. I can always rely on this person to tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I am simply overall making a fool of myself.

That person is me.

The person I fear the most is myself! The person who beats me up, tears away at my confidence, limits my potential is ME! I challenge myself constantly with timidity! (I am even doing it right now, but this I feel is for beneficial purpose at least...) 

Lord, thank You for this realization. Thank You for casting away that self- harmful spirit of mind by calling me to love, power, and discipline. God You cancel out my timidity that I limit myself with. I pray that I may only have eyes to see the love I am surrounded with, not only this but that I need to love myself too Lord. And another thing- thank You for not caring about my mistakes! For knowing that I am going to make them, because You've created me that way! And when I do make mistakes, You tell me I am loved anyway and called to forgiveness. Teach me to forgive the hardest person to forgive, which is myself.

Thank You for having confidence in me when I have none in myself, loving me when I have none left to give to myself, giving me grace EVERYDAY when I won't spare any to myself. God, I want to learn how to extend these things to myself and I pray that You would teach me.

Values of Value

I'd never seen my dad handle anything else more delicately or with such caution- except maybe my own mother. 

He slowly inched down the stairs, holding the beautifully crafted and craved glass vase with a rose inside. His eyes matched the vase, and then the steps ahead of him. Back and forth his focus switched for what seemed like forever to get down the stairs.

"Dad, why are you going so slow?" I asked him.

"This is very special and extremely delicate. It has so much value, it's probably worth the same amount as your car. It must be taken with extreme care."

He finally made it to the kitchen table and placed the vase and rose in the middle. "I wish I could think of a safer place, but it looks so nice displayed here. Don't you think?" he asked me.

"Yeah," I replied. Why was this so valuable?

He took a quick glance at his watch. "Well, I'm off to work. See you tonight kiddo."

"Alright," I greeted as he jetted out the door. I walked nearer to the table and studied the flower. A red rose. What could be it's significance? I realized it didn't matter. I had to take care of it, and for some reason my dad thought it'd be okay to just throw it in a vase and on the table. He himself said how valuable it was, so I wasn't planning on letting it wilt away on some table by a much-too-sunny-window.

-

For days I took care of that flower. I did all the research on how to best take care of roses. I did all of it. But after only a few days, the flower began to brown, and grow wrinkles and tears.

I was baffled. Why would my dad place so much value in something he knew would quickly pass? 

But I held it in my hand. It was beautiful. Red, with the now-brownish color. Soft and smooth petals. These flowers much cost a fortune for their beauty and sincerity. I was beginning to understand it's value.

A petal fell off as I admired it. I turned to my dad, finally getting a chance to ask him why this flower had so much value.

"Oh honey," he replied. "The flower means nothing. What was valuable was the VASE. I don't care about the rose. I can replace that any time."

I began to study the rose in my hand again. Why did it seem to even lose color just while talking about it with my dad? I did not see the value I possibly thought it could have anymore. Now it was just a dying flower. 

Still observing the rose, there will still a few red petals. I didn't think the flower was completely invaluable to me now, because the beautiful things I memorized about it were still true. It had value to me, but this value just wasn't true to everyone else.

-

God is teaching me a thing or two about value.

I am noticing, with particular things in my life, that some things only have as much value as you place on them.

Specifically, opinions and certain relationships.

There are opinions that I have often valued too much in my life, and this value in other people's opinions over my own has created insecurity and whatever the opposite of confidence is. Recently having been told negative things about myself in various situations, I took these opinions and LET it hurt me. Weigh on me. Be of value.

And that's where the downfall happened. I hurt for a long time after these occasions. But now that I realized certain things in life only have as much value as you allow them to have, I have decided: these occasions and opinions have NONE.

Later on, some of these opinions were taken back; and replaced with encouragements instead. While they did encourage me and feel good, I decided to not let them have much value either. Because if we obsess over hearing nice things about ourselves, especially from those who have already chastised us, it is such dangerous territory for the emotional state of your heart.

Aside from opinions, something else we also place value on is... well, anything other than God Himself. We place so much value on dating and relationships, being pretty, having money, just to name a few. For clarity, I want to state that I am not implying WORKING, ENJOYING, OR FOCUSING on these things are bad or wrong. I am saying that it is very easy to make these elements idols.

i·dol

ˈīdl/

noun

1. an image or representation of a god used as an object of worship.

Of course we don't physically get on our knees and worship these things. But we do it in our subconscious. And I'm pretty sure if we could have one-on-one talks with our hearts, they would tell us, "Yep, I freakin' WORSHIP that thing."

The only reason I can identify this is because I struggle everyDAY with placing too much value on these things. But gosh, it is empowering to realize God has given me the strength to NOT have this struggle- all I have to do is take away it's value from my heart; or at least, stop believing it had or has value. These things only have as much value to me as I decide that they do.

It can also go the opposite way, too. Maybe there are certain things we don't place ENOUGH value in- kind of like the vase. The character in the analogy was so focused on the rose, he didn't realize his dad was talking about the vase's value. So while he was off mistakenly believing this rose needed extreme care, the vase was sitting on the table waiting to be knocked over.

What are some vases in your life? For me, I see my relationship with God and certain family members as vases I could take a lot better care of. My intentions at work has been an ongoing one now- am I working to serve others or to impress others while making money? 

It is not so that everything in life's value is determinant only by the variable of your opinion of it, or how much value you THINK it has. The value of the heart, a person's story, and so much more is beyond a value measured by our human minds. But we can certainly work on shortening Earthly values and extending heavenly values. 

Either way, know that YOU are valuable, and God has given YOU the power to decide in the right situations the true value and effect something can and should have on you. 

Hero

I am a superhero.

I just saw Avengers: Age of Ultron and of course it was a truly awesome movie- but, this is not a movie review.

Spoiler ahead... sorry not sorry.

In the movie, a thought-to-have-been-villain loses a family relative (tried to keep it as vague as possible without spoiling anything). The thought-to-have-been-villain is being held by the real villain. She looks the real villain in the eye and says, "I have now died, too," as he is mocking her in the face of her relatives' death. But in the end, the thought-to-have-been-villain has committed to protecting earth- serving others- being a hero, like she knows her relative who passed on saving another would have wanted her to be.

In the mixture of counseling, seeing mentors I respect and take so much wisdom from, working hard, and pursuing health of all kinds (physical, emotional, spiritual) and accepting God's invitation to allow Him to work in me; I am now a superhero too.

I am a superhero. I have seen things a 19 year old should never see. I would never want my 19 year old friends to see their mother go through, and suffer what my mother did. I would never want anyone to have to do the things with and for their mother and family that I have. There are some things I'll never discuss, except maybe with my counselor, because they are so scarring and painful. I just can't expect anyone to carry that pain. Only God can.

But I am a superhero.

In my mother passing, I too have died. She was my heart. Everything she did, everything she was, everything she breathed was my breath too. She was my best friend, my person. I loved her with every fiber of my being. I will never comprehend why God didn't want her on Earth anymore. Unfortunately, I will always have an anger towards for that. And, for all the things he made me and my family see. Again, things no one should ever have to experience or see.

I am the girl, who was losing sight of God in the midst of pain, sitting in the arms of Satan almost grabbing me and shaking me, saying, "God obviously doesn't love you or your family. He must not even be real, to let you experience this pain. To let your loved ones experience this pain. To steal your mother."

To which I replied everyday, "I, too, have died."

But something in me clicked. I had experienced a lot of other painful things even almost immediately after my mother's passing. But God looked at me, and offered harmless invitation.

I almost specifically felt Him put these words on my heart:

"Chrissy- I know hearing worship is hard, because it reminds you so much of your mom and so much of how I stole her. I know reading the Bible is hard, because not only does it remind you of those things but it reminds you of the question you always have of, Why do I let the world get this way? I know praying is especially hard. You don't want to talk to me after all of this. But I just need your permission. I need you to agree to let me work in you. In your heart. You just have to say yes, and eventually trust me."

To which I replied, "Ok."

And He has been working ever since. God, I'm still in inexpiable pain daily.I move along and talk to people and friends like normal again, though nothing in my life is. My heart aches for my mother. I dream about her. Last night I vividly dreamt that we were singing the song, "My Girl" together in front of my whole church. But God has been working.

I meet with 4 mentors every week that bless and HELP me richly. God, they help me. And that's the difference. I don't ask God for HELP. He doesn't HELP. He just DOES. These people, help, and encourage. But God just DOES IT.

I hike. God moved my family into an apartment, a beautiful complex actually, but no one likes living in an apartment after treasuring their first wonderful home for so many years. But he has placed hills and paths that are often quiet and seem like I am the only person who walks and hikes on them- he put them there in the Earth, formed them, knowing that I would talk to Him there, listen to worship walking along them there, take time each week to sit and just think about my mom and feel pain and the deepest of bitter sadness, but get up and keep walking, feeling great after. He knew. He didn't just know. He planned it.

I spend time with friends. They make me laugh. They always support me. They ask, "You ok?" "How are you doing?" Especially my girls. God, I love you.

I go to church. Where there are only lights of love, only where there are people who are Jesus to the world and I know will ALWAYS take care of my family and me.

I eat better. Eh, I'm trying. And I don't do it to lose weight, although I want to. I do it for emotional health. Drink a lot more water.

I take care of my dad. And he takes care of me. We are the best team ever.

I am a super hero. And as I murmur, "I, too, have died," Jesus says, "Yes. I, too, have died."

And I rise a superhero from my pain.

I am a broken, unresolved, loving, beautiful, messed up, confident, funny, compassionate, gracious, giving, selfish, sad, happy, superhero. I will take my pain, and rise, and help others and love others because of my pain. I used to have a lot more hope and happiness invested innocently in the world before my mom passed away. Now I see the world is only ridden with sadness, sickness, evil- if there is ANY good, it's because of God. It's my job to be a superhero, to save others, and then they too will take their pain and rise superheroes by my side.

And my mom will be right beside me, always.

If you ask me how I am doing, this is what I really mean when I say, "I'm hanging in there," or "I'm getting better," or "Eh, today sucks," or "I am not doing too good," or "Okay."  This is how I am really doing.

I am in no means resolved, doing great, or have got it figured out why God needed my mom to pass. I am just saying that, He is working, and I am rising.

I am a superhero because of God's love.