Hero

I am a superhero.

I just saw Avengers: Age of Ultron and of course it was a truly awesome movie- but, this is not a movie review.

Spoiler ahead... sorry not sorry.

In the movie, a thought-to-have-been-villain loses a family relative (tried to keep it as vague as possible without spoiling anything). The thought-to-have-been-villain is being held by the real villain. She looks the real villain in the eye and says, "I have now died, too," as he is mocking her in the face of her relatives' death. But in the end, the thought-to-have-been-villain has committed to protecting earth- serving others- being a hero, like she knows her relative who passed on saving another would have wanted her to be.

In the mixture of counseling, seeing mentors I respect and take so much wisdom from, working hard, and pursuing health of all kinds (physical, emotional, spiritual) and accepting God's invitation to allow Him to work in me; I am now a superhero too.

I am a superhero. I have seen things a 19 year old should never see. I would never want my 19 year old friends to see their mother go through, and suffer what my mother did. I would never want anyone to have to do the things with and for their mother and family that I have. There are some things I'll never discuss, except maybe with my counselor, because they are so scarring and painful. I just can't expect anyone to carry that pain. Only God can.

But I am a superhero.

In my mother passing, I too have died. She was my heart. Everything she did, everything she was, everything she breathed was my breath too. She was my best friend, my person. I loved her with every fiber of my being. I will never comprehend why God didn't want her on Earth anymore. Unfortunately, I will always have an anger towards for that. And, for all the things he made me and my family see. Again, things no one should ever have to experience or see.

I am the girl, who was losing sight of God in the midst of pain, sitting in the arms of Satan almost grabbing me and shaking me, saying, "God obviously doesn't love you or your family. He must not even be real, to let you experience this pain. To let your loved ones experience this pain. To steal your mother."

To which I replied everyday, "I, too, have died."

But something in me clicked. I had experienced a lot of other painful things even almost immediately after my mother's passing. But God looked at me, and offered harmless invitation.

I almost specifically felt Him put these words on my heart:

"Chrissy- I know hearing worship is hard, because it reminds you so much of your mom and so much of how I stole her. I know reading the Bible is hard, because not only does it remind you of those things but it reminds you of the question you always have of, Why do I let the world get this way? I know praying is especially hard. You don't want to talk to me after all of this. But I just need your permission. I need you to agree to let me work in you. In your heart. You just have to say yes, and eventually trust me."

To which I replied, "Ok."

And He has been working ever since. God, I'm still in inexpiable pain daily.I move along and talk to people and friends like normal again, though nothing in my life is. My heart aches for my mother. I dream about her. Last night I vividly dreamt that we were singing the song, "My Girl" together in front of my whole church. But God has been working.

I meet with 4 mentors every week that bless and HELP me richly. God, they help me. And that's the difference. I don't ask God for HELP. He doesn't HELP. He just DOES. These people, help, and encourage. But God just DOES IT.

I hike. God moved my family into an apartment, a beautiful complex actually, but no one likes living in an apartment after treasuring their first wonderful home for so many years. But he has placed hills and paths that are often quiet and seem like I am the only person who walks and hikes on them- he put them there in the Earth, formed them, knowing that I would talk to Him there, listen to worship walking along them there, take time each week to sit and just think about my mom and feel pain and the deepest of bitter sadness, but get up and keep walking, feeling great after. He knew. He didn't just know. He planned it.

I spend time with friends. They make me laugh. They always support me. They ask, "You ok?" "How are you doing?" Especially my girls. God, I love you.

I go to church. Where there are only lights of love, only where there are people who are Jesus to the world and I know will ALWAYS take care of my family and me.

I eat better. Eh, I'm trying. And I don't do it to lose weight, although I want to. I do it for emotional health. Drink a lot more water.

I take care of my dad. And he takes care of me. We are the best team ever.

I am a super hero. And as I murmur, "I, too, have died," Jesus says, "Yes. I, too, have died."

And I rise a superhero from my pain.

I am a broken, unresolved, loving, beautiful, messed up, confident, funny, compassionate, gracious, giving, selfish, sad, happy, superhero. I will take my pain, and rise, and help others and love others because of my pain. I used to have a lot more hope and happiness invested innocently in the world before my mom passed away. Now I see the world is only ridden with sadness, sickness, evil- if there is ANY good, it's because of God. It's my job to be a superhero, to save others, and then they too will take their pain and rise superheroes by my side.

And my mom will be right beside me, always.

If you ask me how I am doing, this is what I really mean when I say, "I'm hanging in there," or "I'm getting better," or "Eh, today sucks," or "I am not doing too good," or "Okay."  This is how I am really doing.

I am in no means resolved, doing great, or have got it figured out why God needed my mom to pass. I am just saying that, He is working, and I am rising.

I am a superhero because of God's love.