Half a Verse

I throw myself out into the world,
I like the compliments, I like the thought
That people like how I look,
Yet at the same time
I hate the thought of throwing myself
Out for the world to like or dislike
It's one or the other
Are you my love, or my brother
Honest and teasing, or do I look pleasing?

No Exceptions to Acception

I don't like the phrase "fitting in". Think about it in a literal sense. Little kids often play with that 'fit the shape in the associated frame' toy. The shape has to fit the exact frame of the hole. If it doesn't, it can't go into the hole.

I don't want to fit in. I don't want a frame or a hole-shape to dictate who I am or how I act.

However, I do struggle with wanting to feel accepted.

Along with wanting to be talked to. Wanting attention. Wanting someone to want me to be with them.

It's sad because I have all of these things, but I don't have it with everyone.

But here is what I've learned:

through out high school I have noticed people who go off by themselves and then complain how they don't feel accepted or wanted. Truthfully, you must make an effort to include yourself. You have to include yourself, and then others will too. Acceptance is a two-way street.

But then, I started my freshman year of college. A handful of my close friends moved away, and I transitioned into a new flow of people. Now I completely understand what the previous people felt like. You want to make an effort to include and introduce yourself, but you are either scared or lazy. At least, that's how I've felt.

I want to make an effort, but I am scared people won't consider what I say. I want to make an effort, but I am lazy and wish people would already be making an effort towards me. (By the way, someone might be trying to make an effort towards you, but you just haven't realized it yet. Try looking at things at a different perspective: that might be something I've done wrong before, too.)

And then I remember: acceptance is a two way street.

And then I also remember: acceptance from others is a nice feeling, but acceptance of myself is the greatest feeling of all.

"I'll make the effort next time, I promise. Next time, no matter how lonely I feel or how outside I look, I will make an effort to include myself..."

Maybe another thing to consider would be your part in making others feel accepted. Now that I know this feeling well, what can I do to help others not feel this way? Whether it's reaching out to people younger than you, or even people who don't look like they have a friend, you could change their life simply by including them or asking how they are doing and fully listening.

I feel unresolved because I haven't been making a good effort to include myself lately. This is a two way street and I might have only been driving one way.

Time to make a U-turn.

Expectations Vs. Dedications

"Imagine if we did good deeds for others without expecting anything in return. We could see the real satisfaction in serving, which is loving others. Imagine if we expected nothing in return within our relationships as well. What if we solely loved someone and didn't expect anything from them in return? What selflessness... It's nice to know another person appreciates you as much as you appreciate... them, but imagine if you didn't expect them to do the same but found out that they do. Imagine how much more your heart would rejoice without the expectation crippling reality for you beforehand! If we always expect things from others, we are only building up emotional castles that will quickly be knocked down."

Proof, Love, & Hope

You're probably wondering why there is a picture of Kronk from "The Emperor's New Groove" floating above these words. You're also probably wondering why there is a little devil on one of his shoulders and a little angel on the other. Firstly, I love the movie "The Emperor's New Groove" because it's flippin hilarious, so why wouldn't I put a picture from one of the funniest parts of the movie on my blog? :) But most importantly, I put it to possibly lead into a different topic. Yes, it's certainly a strange way to start off a blog post but hopefully it will be an effective one: when the devil shows up on Kronk's shoulder, the angel shows up right on the other. The Lord is still shown and is especially evident when the devil tries to mess with His people.

One way of seeing the truth in this statement is simply looking at the Lord and the devil on two sides. If evil exists, that means good exists as well. Black exists, but so does white. Even if you can't see the color white at the moment you see black, you know the color white still exists.

God sent His son to vanquish any sin or evil we have inside of us, and to replace it with the goodness and love of the Lord that will bring us to Him. Love binds, sin separates. That's simple.

A seemingly not-so-simple idea is that the devil himself also proves God's existence. Think about this: we know the devil struggles daily to tempt us and entangle us in sin. But... why does he struggle in the first place? why doesn't he just allow it to happen effortlessly? sometimes it's really easy to become tempted, but often... there's that conscious, that little angel on the shoulder, that stops some people from following through on the sin. why? Because God exists. a lot of people don't recognize that the devil's struggle only happens BECAUSE God is at work.

The same can be said in a reverse aspect as well. Why doesn't everyone just come to the Lord and accept Him and His son as their Savior? because the devil is at work through sin. the last aspect is the unfortunate truth, but thankfully it doesn't even matter because the Lord will always triumph over sin because not only is He our creator and Father who loves and cares about us more than we will ever understand, but He sent His son to die for us so we didn't have to worry about sin separating us anymore.

but now I digress... the main conclusion is, the devil's struggle to enchant us in sin actually proves the Lord existence and power. why else would the devil work so hard?

my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer this past year. it seemed like we just kept getting bad news from once we found out she had a brain tumor. of course, my heart felt like it shribbled up. I didn't understand God. I didn't give up on Him, but I didn't understand why He would let this happen.

the devil wanted to use this situation to doubt the Lord and why I believe in Him. the devil wanted to use this situation to give up hope and keep doubting the Lord would come through.

but why would the devil work so hard and steadily if there wasn't a loving God who was also at work to glorify His love through this experience?

I can't say you and I are going through the same thing. I can't even say what you are going through is or isn't absolutely painful. But if you too are struggling, or feel pain, or your emotions are draining through your brain and drowning your heart, please hear me out: the Lord exists. He is here, for You. He wants You to know it. If you were looking for a sign, maybe this can be it for you. It may feel like the things that should only happen in nightmares are strong, but that is all baloney. What is TRULY strong is you-- the Lord working through you. If you're reading this, that means you are alive, which means have an awesome amount of strength! Congratulations, that is SO awesome! YOU are so awesome! the Lord is already working in you! if you ever feel tempted or doubt, remember what it truly proves instead of focusing on what the devil is trying (but miserably failing) to do.

Phillipians 1:3-6 ^"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Cries of Hosanna

by Chrissy Zschomler

It was a joke- at least, it seemed like it was. None of us could believe that this man actual believed he was "God's own Son" or that he was the Messiah. You can't just come down and go around telling people you're the Son of GOD, can you?

I actually didn't really know what to think. I'd spent a lot of time reflecting and studying what this man had been teaching now, if not hearing him in person then hearing from a friend who had also heard his teachings. Everything he said actually made sense, and I had never seen anyone teach such selflessness and emphasis on love. 

But on this day, not many were thinking about the love he so passionately taught about. Not many of us were thinking, "Oh, he is so selfless." And we certainly weren't praising him or his "father" for that matter.

My neighbor leaned over to me and whispered something into my ear. We weren't really that close, but we socialized just to make small chat. 

"What?" I replied. The crowd among us was extremely loud as they mocked Jesus, who was now nailed to the cross.

"I said, I can't believe the fact that he is still calling himself the son of God, even though he's dying for it. Even more so, I can't believe that there are some people that are actually out there that are following this man!"

I nodded, but inside I wasn't fully agreeing. I honestly didn't know what to think of this man.

I watched him as everyone shouted threats and various mocking of him. They were so very harsh, and so vivid, and so dark. I guess I could understand why they didn't agree with him, but why did they have to be so hating of him? He didn't really harm anyone, and if I remember correctly, I think I even heard that he healed quite a few people? 

He seemingly started making small chat with the guys next to him. Why would he want to make conversation at a time like this? What could he possibly be saying? "Hey, how's it going? What did you get hung for? Well, hope to see you in the afterlife."

I jumped. Someone just smashed my foot with their own. I looked down to see that their violent stomp had torn my sandal strap, too. I began to question why I was even here. Watching a man die wasn't worth the discomfort I felt in the midst of this crowd- hot, squished, and even a bit scared at what was to come. Why was I so scared, anyway? Was I scared of the crowd or was I scared of what was going to happen to Jesus?

Or, was I scared of what would happen if he was right all along?

I forgot about my discomfort as I saw Jesus begin to lift his head. What was he doing? People started to crowd more around the cross and push by me, but I barely noticed. I could not take my eyes off of him for some reason.

Suddenly, he shouted something to the air. I could not exactly make out what he said, but I heard someone close by me ask someone else, "What did he say?" and the other person replied, "He said, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I heard them wheeze laughter. One of them mumbled back, "Hah! He must be trying to call Elijah." 

One of the most popular people in the village ran up to the cross with a sponge in his hand. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a staff, and offered it to Jesus to drink. He then yelled out into the crowd. He cupped his hands around his mouth to amplify his words: "Now leave him alone, Let’s see if Elijah comes to save him!" 

But my mind was still trying to wrap around what Jesus yelled earlier. If he had so much trust in his "Father", why would he say something that questioned God?

Suddenly, Jesus cried out something- a heart wrenching, lung-crunching wail- and his head dropped. 

That's the moment when everything changed.

I saw the King of glory coming on the clouds with fire- the whole earth shook, I tell you- the whole earth shook!!

Rocks began to split, tombs began to open, the sky tore with furious color. No one could have possibly predicted what happened next.

---

I was actually friends with the man who took Jesus' body to the tomb. His name was Joseph, and he was one of the wealthiest men I had known. Pilate had ordered for Jesus' body to be given to Joseph, and Joseph placed him in a tomb that was cut out of rock. I was walking back to my house that evening and I saw him carrying Jesus into the tomb. I saw Joseph walk into the actual tomb carrying Jesus, and then proceed to walk out and close the tomb. Tears began to fill my eyes. I didn't understand why this was happening. Emotions were raging inside of me that I had not classified before today. 

In that moment of his physical presence being gone was when I finally realized the love he so often taught about, and I could see the many sins I committed in my life. I felt a sense of weightlessness when I thought back to the cross. He died to pay the price for my sins? So I don't have to worry about anything, ever, ever again in my life? As I replayed the image of Jesus dying over and over again in my head- that sacrifice he made of himself to God- I could then see his love and mercy washing over all of our sin.

I looked over nearby the tomb and saw two women weeping. They were repeating something over and over as the tears continued to pour from their eyes. I could not make out exactly what they were saying. But I imagined they were asking God to save him- to save everyone as Jesus was our only hope, but now he was dead. I imagined these people singing. The people were singing, "Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest! Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the  highest," begging and pleading for God to save.

"Hosanna," I begged silently to God, as the tears that once filled my eyes now began to rush down my face. "Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna."

---

I stayed in my home for all of the next day. I didn't have anywhere to go or anyone to see, and I didn't feel like making the effort to do any of those things. I couldn't stop thinking about Jesus' death, Jesus' burial, Jesus' words, and my new-found faith in them- and hope that they really were true. I had spent the day trying to write everything I had learned from him down, but I really did not have much of an education. I was lucky to even know a few words. I decided I did not have to write them down- they were so passionate inside of my heart that I had almost memorized all of what he had said, and I was sure to never forget it.

The next day came around very slowly and cautiously. But I had woken up that day, and something felt different. It was extremely dark the last two days, and when I finally decided to take a step outside that day, the sun was actually shining in the afternoon. There was quite an earthquake somewhere in between that time and the evening, and it reminded me a lot of the night Jesus died.

I went back outside later that evening to maybe try to see if anything suspicious might have happened, only to find my small-chat neighbor. As soon as I saw him, I remembered Jesus once saying to love our neighbors. I began to think about how I really should try to hang out with him more, to invest more in his life. 

We casually waved as these thoughts flooded through my mind. 

"Did you hear?" He called over to me.

"Did I hear what?"

His eyes widened. "I can't believe you haven't heard! Jesus has risen! He came back from the dead. My wife just came rushing home with the news! Maybe he really is the messiah!"

My heart was delighted, and tears began to lift from my eyes again- tears of joy. I embraced him, more surprised that my unwavering and dull neighbor actually chose to believe in a man who rose from the dead. If he believed in this joyous news, anyone could take heart to it. There really was joy and hope for all the nations. 

I looked out to the sky as the sun began to set. God's fingerprints were all over the beauty and wonder of the sky, not because it was "pretty" but because it was so creative, as is the rest of His creation. Jesus had risen, and people were finding an eternal, true, and promising hope in him. I began to smile as I kept my gaze at the glorious sky above.

After hearing my neighbor, I could truly see a generation rising up to take their place; doing it with selfless faith. I could picture a near revival that would stir as we prayed as sought out the Lord in everything we did.

I became overwhelmed with feelings of relief, comfort, hope, and love. I fell to my knees and began to talk to God for the second time.

"I'm on my knees. I'm on my knees. I know you are King. Please take me as your own. I love and believe in You. I am on my knees, pleading for Your forgiveness; already understanding and recognizing that you have already forgiven me." 

I shot my hands in the air begun to think of all the sins and wrongdoings and worries and every destructive thing in my life that I clang to before knowing this great love. I cried out to the Lord, "Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!!" I huffed, choking on my own tears. "Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest."

And suddenly, I felt a rush of air next to my and heard a thunk of bone hitting the ground. I couldn't believe it- my neighbor was on his knees with me. 

He began to pray: "Lord, please heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like you have love me!"

"Yes, Lord," I cried.

"God, break my heart for what breaks Yours! Everything I am, make You make it all for Your kingdom's cause as I walk away from earth, now into eternity."

No words could describe what was happening before and beside us, and all around the earth. God's love was working, it was seeping through, it was alive.

The only words I could make out were once again, "Hosanna, Hosanna... Hosanna in the highest!! Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest."

Ultra- Sensitivity

sen·si·tiv·i·ty

[ sènssi tívvitee ]

1. consideration: care and understanding of needs and requirements
2. responsiveness: capacity for physical sensation or response

I would imagine the life of a blind person is that which is extremely difficult and grueling. But at the same time, I would imagine with being blind you get a couple of magical powers. Is that rash of me to assume? Let me explain..

I've heard so many cases of blind people having the inability to use their sense of sight, but the ultra ability to use their other senses. They become extremely phenomenal smellers, tasters, listeners, and touchers. They become ultra-sensitive with these senses, and the things they can do with this ultra-sensitivity is magnificent and wondrous.

In times such as now, there are only few things that make sense to me. (If you did not read my last blog post, my mom is currently battling brain cancer. To read about this discovery, click here.) Things that don't quite make sense right now is God's reasoning, the reason for cancer, and much more.

But as I sat in my new choir class today, I see that I am able to make sense out of a few things. One of the few things is music. There is a beauty, wonder, and ultimate world of art/escape/magic/spirituality within music; this is certain. But music is not all fluff, feelings, and emotion. There is marvelous theory, math, logic, within the lines of a time measure. Maybe that's why I can relate so much to music- it allows my brain and heart to flail freely in an open field of imagination and freedom, but it allows lays down frameworks and outlines that make sense to me. Very rarely in this world does a person find an element that is both emotional and logical. It's wonderful and amazing.

One thing people can pick up in their love for music is naming a certain note or key of a song just by hearing it. If you play a note on the piano, guitar, or any other instrument; certain people can tell you what note it is. I never really thought about how they pick up this ability, but today I may have finally put a label to it. What if all people that have this ability merely have an ultra-sensitivity as well? Our musically-wired minds become so involved, in love, or soft to music's touch on our brain and hearts that we know what note is playing right when it plays.

Maybe a better metaphor is hearing a family member walk through the door. You can pick up in your mind who is walking through the door because you have heard the certain way their impact of weight creaks the floor when walking across it, or the squeek in the hardness of the way they grab the door handle, or even the whispy scratching of their pant legs as they pass eachother with each step into the door. Your ears have become so sensitive to each family member walking in the door each day, you can identify who is walking through the door merely by the sound of their shoes. Ultra-sensitivity.

Notice these past three metaphors involve being sensitive to elements of things we cannot see. You can hear everything around you with much more sensitivity when you are blind, but you cannot see. Certain people can hear and imagine the key of a song or the letter of a note in their minds when it plays, but they cannot actually see this note; it's not physical. When you identify a family member as they walk through the door by merely hearing the noise they make, you're identifying them as you hear them; not by seeing them.

Here's another thing you cannot physically see: God.

Maybe You can see Him through people's actions. But You cannot physically see God's hands pressing and massaging the physical hearts of individuals. You cannot physically see God pushing every single moment in time in cause of a previous moment in time for His will. He is not physical.

Does this mean that, in order to follow Christ, we need to have an ultra-sensitivity to Him?
Imagine if we had such ultra-sensitivity towards God, that we wouldn't need to see Him to believe in Him. The blind do not need to see people to know they exist and are talking to them. Certain musicians don't need chord charts to identify a note. And you don't need to look at the door to make sure that your family member is the family member you're thinking of- you can simply call out, "Hey, Dad" and he will reply "Hey, how was your day?"

So many people fall away from God because of this lack of physical being proving that He exists. Through this time I have even considered the same thing (along with not being able to understand His reasoning, as I mentioned earlier). Maybe we just haven't mastered the art of ultra-sensitivity.

In truth, a person doesn't have to. They don't have to be super emotional to know and confirm that God's existance is present and alive. Understanding and admiring God's existance is emotional, logical, and everything in between.

But just imagine, if we could adapt the idea of ultra-sensitivity of our senses to God's presence... we could begin to understand Him and His will for us. We could fully sense that He is everywhere- without having to see Him.

2 Corinthians 5:7 "We live by faith, not by sight."

the most beautiful Lily

Now more than ever, my family and I are truly learning how to Consider the Lilies.

When I wrote this blog, the theme and name was based on not worrying. it was based on a verse in Matthew that talks about not worrying about clothing. flowers are beautiful; and they don't work or toil for beauty or clothing. yet they are even more beautiful then an own king's clothing and robes. they simply blow in the wind, and grow, and let things happen on their own. they don't worry about money, or how things will turn out.

when i started this blog, i would have never imagined in a million jillion years that my mom would have to battle brain cancer.

it has only been a week since our acknowledgement of the tumor and three days of acknowledgement of her cancer, and it has been long. hard. emotional. heart-tearing. beyond the boundaries of words or descriptions any author could try to write. one could picture this like a bomb upon our family. i hate to be frank but i am ready to be completely honest with myself and anyone who is reading this. cancer sucks, and it sucks hard. i don't really know how else to describe the hardship
and so, we take shifts visiting mom in her room at the beautiful and amazing hospital of City of Hope. we try to distract ourselves in the waiting room with conversations, personally i have been playing card games with family friends that have come to visit. only once have i looked out the large beautiful windows that frame the waiting rooms and show the beauty of the campus and beyond.

that one time was right after mom's doctor told us the tumor was probably malignant (cancerous). my dad walked over to look out the window, away from all of our family, just to be by himself. i walked over to comfort him, but eventually found myself curling up in a ball just staring out the window.

my mom is so beautiful, inside and out. she radiates love literally in every action and step and words she takes and says. she is an angel- OUR angel- MY angel- GOD'S angel. she is strong, but gentle; the perfect balance. she is full of songs, hope, and most of all, LOVE. why must she take on the weight of this cancer? i know God does not give us anything we cannot bear, so this only demonstrates the immense strength God has truly given to her.

but looking out the window, my thoughts were as blurred over as my vision in that moment. the sky was gray with clouds, so were everyone's thoughts and hearts. it's ironic because the brain cancer awareness ribbon is gray too. could all these elements relate to one another for a reason? a God-given reason?

and now it's time to be honest about my feelings with God through this process.

i honestly haven't been able to identify them.

everyone is so loving and encouraging, sending various verses and love. they all are strengthening and extremely positive and uplifting. they all work together to show God's love story for us. yet, my heart still felt cloudy and gray, like the sky the evening we found out mom's tumor is probably malignant. i can't say i have been fully clinging to Him, either. i pray and pray and pray, but i don't feel.

today for the first time... i felt.

maybe it was the caffeine from the mcdonald's latte i ordered. maybe it was that my mom and i had some pretty fun conversations and laughs in her room today. maybe it was God using both of those things to light up my spirit to show me everything is going to be ok. maybe it was just God in general.

pretty sure it was the last one.

but when i was done with my visiting turn, my dad sat beside me.

"today i felt like your mom was doing alot better," he pleaded to me. "we really had a nice time. she's talking more and she is just altogether doing well."

God is evident, whether i have the emotional ability to acknowledge Him or not. He is evident in the thousands of prayers that are being whispered and shouted over and over by many amazing people (thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers. i'd like to think your prayers bring forth days like today. thank you.). He is evident in the hundreds of texts, encouragements, and verses people persist to us. He is evident when mom keeps repeating, "this is all about love. God is love. love, love, love," even if she is drugged up or has a brain tumor. He is evident when He gives me times to laugh with my aunts or cry with them. He is evident in the many meals angels are giving to us each night. (you know who you are! <3 nbsp="" p="">
He is evident in my dad's physical disability. He is evident in my mom's cancer. He is evident in the blur and the gray and the depression and the tears and the misunderstanding and the emotional trauma and the dry of the desert.

He is evident in inspiring me to write about the most painful situation i have ever dealt with in my life-- the one person i have loved the most on this earth is battling cancer.

my mom has God's strength and an angel army of love surrounding her. there are many people who want to visit her, but she has gone way over the amount of visitors aloud because of the angel army she cannot physically see that surrounds her.

i want to look out the window and find the lilies, and consider how they don't worry about anything. i want to watch them grow as God touches them with His own hand to spring them into life. they must turmoil through grey skies of rain, but they don't worry because that in fact is what brings them to life. we don't understand why God has made the process of growth in this fashion, but it is His so it is beautiful. i want to be a lily. i want my family to be a patch of lilies in God's field, so that we don't worry but we'll grow through this.

most of all, i want my mom to be cancer free, if it is God's will.

thank you for praying for my mom, the most beautiful lily in the world.


"(my mom's) soul finds rest in God alone, (my mom's) salvation comes from Him. He alone is (her) rock and salvation, He is (her) fortress, (SHE) WILL NOT BE SHAKEN." Psalm 62:1-2