Genuine

Once upon a time in a far away royal, wealthy, and largely standing kingdom called Sunnzar there once was a young girl who was none of these things. She was born into a poor family who had given her up for adoption because of her parent's incapability to afford raising her. After years of not yet being adopted she was transferred into a foster system, growing up with a sweet old woman in a tiny & humble home on the edge of the kingdom (often passed by newcomers and tourists on their way into the kingdom). Her and the old woman's niece were about the same age. In her home and at a very old age the old woman died a peaceful death. She lived a good, long life and Amatha truly appreciated her for who she was- but lived in fear of how she could continue to live in the house and lifestyle the old woman left behind.

Amatha fended to live on her own at the youngest adult age of 18. Amatha struggled to get a job and convinced herself she was going to live out on the streets, just before she was hired at a restaurant on a surrounding street of the main castle of the kingdom because of their desperate need for kitchen workers.

As she tied her apron before her first day she thought to herself about how she certainly didn't plan on working in a kitchen. She thought, if she was going to be hired at this restaurant, she would at least work as a servant, a waitress, even a cleaning maid. But she had no complaints because money was money- she had no other options it seemed. 

It was also beneficial because she got one free meal from there working more than 4 hours, and working 8 hours she got two. On her first day after they explained this system to her, she decided to have her employee meal before working- she hadn't eaten more than crackers in the past 1 or 2 days, she couldn't remember.

She felt very royally treated as they brought out her food to her with a smile and the question of if she needed anything else, kindly replying "no thank you". She hadn't remembered eating as good of a meal as this served with as much warmth since her foster mother passed. 

She didn't remember eating a meal that looked so nicely made either. It was assorted beautifully on her plate, so colorful and so tasteful to the eyes. It made her excited to work behind-the-scenes of such seemingly gourmet food. She finished her food with 5 minutes to spare, then began work.

They quickly trained her in one area of the kitchen where they were lacking staff the most, and then left her be to began picking up on their cooking system for herself; as it was also where they placed their beginning kitchen workers. She felt good and confident about what she was doing- something made her sense that she was meant to be here.

She heard her stomach growl as she was preparing raw chicken to be made, a few hours within working. She thought of it as nothing; she hadn't eaten in possibly a few days- of course she was hungry, even after that wonderful meal. But suddenly it growled again, and this time she felt it in the pit of her stomach. She still tried to shake it off and kept trying to prepare the raw chicken. But only a few minutes later her vision began to blur slowly as she became more and more nauseous. She tried to balance herself, as someone in the station beside her asked if she was alright. In her attempt to nod, she staggered. "Someone get her help," she heard as she blurred out of consciousness.

****

"I am so sorry about yesterday. I don't know what overcame me," Amatha tried to explain to her boss. "Everything just started to fade as I felt piercing pain in my stomach. I won't let it happen again."

"How will you do that?" the boss questioned her. "Did you at least see a doctor?"

She couldn't even think about how expensive a doctor would cost. How could she ever afford one? But she didn't want to tell him that. "No. I was fine when I got home."

"Alright. Well, if you're well enough, we need you back in there today. Are you up for it?"

"Yes yes, most definitely," she assured him.

And into the kitchen she went. She felt hungry as she prepared the chicken, but simply forgot to get her meal before work that day. 

A few hours into her shift she took a break to use the restroom. After stepping out of the public restroom, she nearly bumped into a woman who looked wound up and ready to attack.
"Excuse me, do you work in this establishment?!" She enraged.

"Yes," the young girl responded.

"Well. I am certainly not here to buy any of your food today. I just came to say your food poisoned my child!!" She sternly pointed toward the kitchen and continued. "Whatever is coming out of there caused my child to black out. We were in the hospital all night!! And guess what the doctors diagnosed?"

The young girl stood silently, mouth slightly open from shock.

"Food poisoning!" She shook her head as her face almost began to glisten with sweat from rage. "I don't know what you all are doing back there. But you better start thinking about what you're serving. My babies need food to live. If you serve this kind of rummage as food, how do you expect anyone to live fully?" She whipped herself to the door and slammed it behind her.

The young woman didn't know what to say at all. "...how do you expect anyone to live fully?" rung through her head. She began to look around at the guests surrounding her, trying to figure out what was in the food that was causing this to happen; making it apparent what caused her blacking out the previous day.

She watched a young family eat food she helped prepare. They said grace before their food and smiled in excitement of eating it. They all dug in, laughing over shared stories and comfort from the necessity of hunger being satisfied with food that not only looked good, and smelled good, but tasted good- so oblivious and ignorant to what they were possibly contaminating themselves with.

She couldn't believe it. She remembered the feeling of amazement as she studied her colorfully arrayed plate of food the previous day. How could food that looked, smelled, and tasted so delightful caused such pain, misery, and illness? 

She marched to the kitchen. Something wasn't right, and she had to get to the bottom of it.

****

The young woman tied up her hair in the restaurant bathroom while holding a bobby pin in her teeth. After quickly pinching them into her hair, she dashed to the kitchen where her coworker tossed her a hairnet.

"I'm surprised, Amatha-" her coworker chuckled, "-even after being promoted to manager for a year now, you still barely make it to work on time." 

"You think I'd learn by now," Amatha laughed along. 

"Well, at least you're good at everything else." She smiled and returned to the station Amatha had once started at preparing chicken. 

Amatha grinned and decided to help her new coworker at the station for beginners. She reflected on how far she had come since then- after giving out food poisoning and receiving food poisoning herself, Amatha went on to research and spend long nights seeing what could possibly being causing food that looked, smelled, and tasted so good to be causing such a terrible reaction. She eventually saw different elements happening such as cross-contamination and other various unsanitary practices occurring within the kitchen. After bringing these to the attention of her boss, new safety and cleanliness rules as well as cooking practices were established. And when this happened, the restaurant buzzed with new customers; even though nothing was revealed about the uncleanliness of the kitchen previously to the public. They just seemed to appear and keep appearing. Her boss eventually promoted her and glorified her for taking action to bring the customers the best quality food she could to the table-to make the food looking, smelling, and tasting good- but all as a result of actually being good, not just because they were able to make it seem so within the kitchen.

Amatha smiled as she walked through dining room feeling purpose- to bring something into these people's lives that was more than just nice looking, but was genuine; and gave them a necessity that was vital to life. Amatha went on to become a personal cook for the royal members of the governing kingdom of Sunnzar.

***

How can we serve others and give God's love and word in a way that is completely genuine, not just making ourselves look like good people or act like our lives are perfect- but living in joy, comfort, and complete confidence as a result of what God has done for us? It's okay to have brokenness in our lives. It's okay to be imperfect and to mess up everyday. God still loves us. I think God would rather us live messy looking lives while in a relationship with Him then living a life that looks perfect but is actually fake and lacking what is vital for us to live- God. Like the food previously cooked in the story, if we allow our lives to be masked by images that we are fine and that nothing is wrong- we will only poison ourselves. But if we live genuinely for the Lord, and genuinely serve others and genuinely interpret and live out His word- we will be filled with what is necessary to live, like food is necessary for us to live- God's love.

And a special thanks to a coworker of mine from work who provided a different version of the metaphor for this story!

The Freedom Massacre

My pen dropped on the floor while I was sketching a pair of eyes in my history notes. I was bored out of my mind, disciplining myself to not look at the clock unless I wanted to be seriously disappointed. It was my last class of the day, and we were taking notes. It doesn't entail very much, I just had to endure this last half hour and then I'd be hurrying out to the parking lot to beat the rush hour traffic.

I picked up my pen and glanced at the overhead. There were some strange pictures my professor placed in the powerpoint that didn't really make sense to me; maybe because I wasn't paying much attention anyway. It was some kind of propaganda for the rights of a people group I've never really heard of that went along with the lesson plan.

This was one of the pictures shown. I was so confused... we were learning about "the Banana Massacre," but I was completely tuned out when we were so I really didn't know what it was about or why it was controversial (to be honest I still don't...).

After explaining the "contradictory" pictures (which I still didn't understand), professor turned to us and posed the question: "Do any of you have any thoughts on the matter?"

I heard a pin drop in the echoing silence of everyone not caring (or not understanding... like me).

Her expression evolved into one of disappointment as she shook her head. "I can't believe it. None of you have anything to say?"

Silence.

"Do you understand," she started, as she crossed her arms and gawked at us in amazement, "that there are people who died, so you could freely speak your mind. People died so you could openly voice your opinion, so you could freely express what you're thinking." She threw her head and hands up as if she were motioning to God asking Him why He allowed our generation to get this way.

And after she gave a mini-lecture on how the technology of this era is frying our brains to numbness of individual and unique thought processes, she boldly asked a question but secretly mapped a challenge in front of us.

"What are you going to do with your freedom that they died for you to have?"

~~~

That question stuck with me, and I actually ended up writing it down in my notes. We have so much amazing freedom that people have struggled beyond our understanding to have. People have endured hell on earth so I could freely use God-given words to express how I feel about our government, about our generation, about the world; and not be afraid of anyone coming after me for any opinions I have.

And somewhere between driving home letting my worship-mix cd narrate my thoughts in my car and hearing and taking in what my pastor was teaching on, I realized something I should have realized this past Easter Sunday- actually, I should have realized it a very long time before that.

Jesus died so I could be free from my sins. Jesus died so that I don't have to worry about the weight of my own mistakes, the weight of guilt, and the weight that human brokenness places on my shoulders and heart. Jesus died because he loves me. Jesus died because He loves you.

He died for me. And what have I done with it? Jesus has graced me with freedom and confidence to live in love. What am I going to do with this information, this invitation, this grace, this opportunity? Love should compel people to action. If God is love, and we take time to think and meditate on what He has done for us everyday; what are we going to do? God has given us His own power through His son. We have the power to call on His name, to present our requests to Him, to cast away evil and fear. What are we going to do with what Jesus has died for us over and with what God has empowered us with and called us to?

If we are all students, and Jesus is our teacher; I don't want to just hear what He says and become distracted with doodling pictures of things other than Him, watching the clock tick in anticipation for Heaven; and then looking back up at His teachings and not understand or care. Jesus gives us a classroom to learn about Him and His love. I want to be the best student I can be.

But the best part of all is, Jesus calls us more than students. He calls us friends. He calls us His children.

John 15:15b "Instead, I (Jesus) have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you."

Don't Love Later, read this Love Letter.

The Bible to me has almost become homework. There, I admit it. I feel like it's homework that I keep putting off, again and again. And many of you have probably been in that small group where someone's pray requests rings, "my prayer request is that I need to read my Bible more." My college youth pastor is someone I really look up to, and is a man whose often has these really profound quotes that are so full of meaning yet are so simple. One thing I will always remember him saying is... that's not really a prayer request. If you need to read your Bible more, then do it. Not in a harsh way at all, maybe You need prayer for motivation to read your Bible more. But I just don't know what God thinks when we ask Him for motivation to read it, as if it's not entertaining enough. And again, I hope this doesn't come across as harsh or judgmental. I only say these things because, I do this all the time!
I'm that Christian who doesn't make time to read my Bible. I hate that it's true, and I am ready to make a change. I feel this way especially having a great conversation with my friend Audrey today. I went to my favorite coffee shop with the purpose of doing homework. And for an amount of time, I was the only one there. Then Audrey walked in, and unplanned we talked for hours. Our conversation about how important God's word is, and how granted we all take it, made me realize something.

When you go to school to get educated, the teachers are not there for their own benefit. If they are, they are doing it wrong. Teachers teach others. Often teachers will add, "I took the time and unpaid effort to grade your papers and to write what you did wrong and need to improve on, not for my own benefit. So don't take those markings for granted." And after our conversation, I realized... God didn't make the Bible for his pleasure. For His benefit. For His gain. If you think about it, God doesn't need the Bible. God knows everything in it, and around it, and everything in general. God solely formed the Bible through others for our benefit. For our purpose. For us.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know I'm not alone in often shrugging off the Bible for reading it another time, and for putting it off at the bottom of my mental to-do list. But God gave this special gift to me, to us. It's not homework we have to turn in. It's not business papers we need to read because our job titles are "Christian". It's a lifestyle. It's life, itself. It's love. It's vital.

A sidenote: This blog has immensely blessed me and allowed me to confess my thousands of shortcomings, and make the most out of them. I think God challenges us to do that constantly, and confess to others our shortcomings as well. Thank you for being a part of my healing process as a reader of this post/blog :)

The Difference

Infatuation is unreal
Infatuation lasts for a moment
Infatuation lies to you
And tells you you're in love

Infatuation starts by manipulating
Your heart and then your mind
Infatuation makes you think
A spark is just enough

Infatuation is an interest
We believe is love
Infatuation intercedes
And makes you feel blinded

Love is strong, love is true
Love hangs on through pain
Love remains and then love guides
When the road is winded

Love gives you hope and permanent laughter
Love has no inch of doubt
Love drenches every part of who you are
Even beyond your mind and heart

Now I know these things are certainly true
But when I see them in direct contact
I panic, I worry, I tear my hair out
Because Icant seem to tell them apart

A King's Hiding Place

He didn't think anyone would find out about what he did. He figured, it would be our little secret. Just between me and her. But he could still feel a cold breeze over his shoulder... someone, or something, was watching him when he did it. When he committed the action, and then the next action that followed. When he took that first glance, that was so much more than just a glance... it was just a look, no big deal. At least that was what he thought to himself.

All I did was look, and try to erase the evidence. But now with the news she brought forth, it was impossible. He shivered at the thought of what the future held. Just a glance. That was all...

There was a knock, knock at the door. He almost jumped, he was so deep in thought- like listening to music being interrupted by a loud clang. "Yes, who goes there?" he hesitantly replied.

"Sir Nathan, my lord," his doorman replied.

"Nathan...?" he replied.

"He says he has an urgent story to tell you."

He had no idea the spectrum of good or bad the story could bring, but he had to find out. "Let him in," he called out.

The giant door perched open, and Nathan walked in, a disappointed look on his face- more frustrated than saddened. "Hello King," Nathan greeted.

"Hello. What is this story I hear you have for me?"

Nathan sighed and corrected him. "It's much more than just a story.

"You see, there was a rich man and a poor man. The rich man had many animals, sheep and cattle. The poor man had one small lamb he was only able to buy on pure luck. This lamb grew up with the poor man's children, and he held this lamb in his arms like his own daughter. The rich man invited a traveler over for dinner, and prepared the poor man's little sheep instead of one of his many animals. He took the poor man's only property to his name, when he all as much sheep and cattle to last him his life."

The king was enraged. His heart beat fast with anger. He felt revenge heating the tips of his fingers. "Who is this man you speak of?! Where is he?!" He almost completely forgot about the guilt he was attempting to resolve before Nathan walked in.

That was, until Nathan replied:

"King, the rich man is in this very room." Nathan huffed and his face tightened. "You are he."

The king threw himself out of his chair. "What are these false claims you make!? Lying is forbidden in my kingdom and in the eyes of the Lord, especially to your king! What do you have to say for yourself?"


"My lord, listen. You are the rich man. You have a beautiful kingdom, and anything you'd like at the snap of your fingers. Everything is yours. But the one thing that wasn't fully yours, the one thing that Uriah could call his own. You had to take it away. You had to let your eyes dwell on the one thing that was his. You had to call upon his wife, to be yours. And then, to make matters worse, you had the negligence to attempt to erase the evidence. And when that didn't work, you decided to erase the person the evidence mattered to the most. You erased Uriah.

Well, you can't erase the Lord's will or consequences on you for what you've done. You killed Uriah with a sword. And now, the sword will never depart from your house- it will never leave your sight."

Tears blurred the king's vision as rapid thoughts blurred the king's focus. His heart beat at the pace his thoughts were circulating. What had he done?

"I have sinned against the Lord," the king choked.

_____________________________________________________

The king had been hunched over in the same position from the time Nathan had left. He couldn't believe he had been discovered.

Then he thought to himself, of course he had been. That chill he had felt over his shoulder wasn't anyone physically watching him. And it wasn't Nathan telling him this parable which he lived as reality. God was speaking, Himself, through this things.

His face buried in his hands. He could already feel the burden of the pain of his consequences he was to face. He realized he committed so many sins at once- theft, murder, deception. How could the Lord ever forgive him? He had to ask. But in a sense, he already knew the answer.

The king was very special in how he prayed, though. He often felt God in strumming his harp and found God by wording his heart into lines of poetry. He had to ask in this same way.

He didn't want a scribe to write this for him. This was between him and God only this time. He searched around for the nearest writing utensil, and the cleanest thing to write on. And he began.

"1 

Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
    blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 Open my lips, Lord,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.

18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
    to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
    in burnt offerings offered whole;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar."

And at the bottom he wrote,

A Psalm of David. 

TO himself he thought,

"A prayer, question, light of hope beyond the walls of guilt and misery... of David"

Biblical references: 2 Samuel 12, Psalm 51

Here's to the Memories

I found the letter that you never read
The birthday card you never signed
The laughter, hope, friendship, GOOD
all of those that you left behind

The approval that I never felt
The efforts that you didn't see
The cold stares that would never melt
The heart that you once gave to me

Opinions that would never match
The relationship that never became
Yet somehow I can't dis-attach
Yet somehow I'm the one to blame

I feel shut down, closed off, when you're near
Yet I just can't seem to stay away
I'll let you speak your views oh dear
But of course mine are just child's play

I am too innocent, don't know as much
Praise to your dear wisdom and knowledge, right?
Then tell me, even though I feel closed off by you
why I have cared about you for 5 years tonight?

And why is it that my attempts now
Are about as bullet proof as I am to your gun?
I guess you're more appealing than me,
I guess you just seem more fun

My whole heart is entangled for you all.
I love you with a love I can't explain.
I sit here and get beaten for being myself,
and still this love I can't contain.

Maybe it's time to close up shop.
Maybe it's time I move out of town.
Hope on a plane, out of state of of mind
Find new stars to watch and be around.

So I still haven't told you where all these things are
That never happened, that you never did.
I have to admit, it was hard to see them
It's a pretty dark place, where they all hid.

But once I held them to the light,
and saw what worth and value they were-
I saw there wasn't any, not to my heart-
I saw it was time to mature.

What I value and need is love and encouragement,
which I understand everyone gives in different ways.
But I need to know and believe in our love
and I need to know it for all my days.

There are people out there who really love me
people who really do care
I would like to think you're all in that same group
But if I'm not sure, than I won't dare.

i KNOW you do. I really do.
I guess it can often be blurred
By the constant shutdowns and shoos and more
I'm surprised this heart has endured...

I am grateful for you, and you and you
and I will always love you so.
But unless I FEEL love come this way
I don't think our friendships will grow.

Please call me if you want to hang out.
Please write, or talk, or respond.
I'll be on a boat, sailing afloat
My God-blessed friendships pond.

It's a beautiful place where I feel very loved
by friends who encourage and engage.
I never feel undermined, unwanted, or such;
I never feel pushed or enraged.

God has your heart, and He has mine.
I always pray the best for you all.
I love you all with my entire heart.
If you ever want a piece of it, just call.

Comfort in not getting comfortable

It has been way too long since I've last written a post, or anything in general. I definitely haven't been leaving myself enough time to invest in things like writing, thinking, or even just spending time in the word or with the Lord. But even when I don't take time out, God doesn't give up on me. He sparks little ideas in the mind, when we least expect it.

Part of the reason I haven't had a lot of extra time is because of my new job (which I really enjoy, by the way!) at Chick Fil A. Last night I had to clean out the playplace (the jungle gym all the kids play on). As you can probably guess, it's a bit tight spaced for someone my size- it's doable, but it's definitely takes a little worming around to do. And as I was wiping down one of it's walls in a fairly awkward position, the saying "Don't get comfortable" came to mind...

And in that moment I thoroughly understood what the saying meant.

 If I had gotten comfortable in that position, I wouldn't be able to squirm as quickly up to the next step in the playplace. It would have taken me much more time and energy to move out of my set position I "got comfortable" in. By not getting comfortable, by putting up with whatever small inconvenience or back-pain-causing-scoliosis that was caused by my position, I'd be able to quickly and efficiently clean one section, then move on to the next, without comfort holding me back or being a hindrance.

And when I thought more and more about it, and still do continue to think about it, I allow comfort to be a hindrance to me everyday.

Allow me to clarify that I am not talking about comfort as in emotional encouragement from another person, or comfort when something wrong goes in your life and people lift you up and support you.  I am talking about the comfort that only lasts for a moment, the comfort of being familiar with the place you are in, the comfort of "not caring" when really you're in the act of irresponsibility, the comfort of staying in one place because, frankly, it's not scary as other places. You know you'd feel uncomfortable else where.

I'll simply say this: Jesus has you wherever you are at in life for a reason, and for an amazing reason at that. I can't say I've acknowledged this all the time, especially with the craziness this year has brought. But I wholeheartedly mean it! If He calls You to stay in one place, then that is where He would love to have You. But if you know He wants you to go and stretch out beyond the borders of familiarity... then it's time to wiggle out of your awkward position and on to the next section of the playplace. Don't get comfortable... get comfortable after you know this is where God wants you!

I'm also not trying to imply that you should never emotionally connect yourself to anything, or enjoy wherever you are at in life. I guess what I mean is, love where you are at. But don't glue yourself and rely on that place in your life to fulfill you or satisfy you. Because, it won't. Surroundings, seasons, people, and life constantly change/changes. But God doesn't. And because of this fact, we can get comfortable wherever we are at not because of the place we're in but because God ordained us to be there.

There's a great song by one of my favorite artists, Brandon Heath, called "Don't get comfortable". I was thinking about posting just a quote from the song but the whole song is worth reading.

Comfortable, don't get comfortable.
I am gonna' move this mountain
Then I'm gonna move you in.

Yesterday, this is not yesterday.
You were standing on my shoulders now;
You're standing on the edge.
You've been looking for a sign all this time.

I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

So afraid but you don't have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I'll remain

You've been looking for a sign all this time.
If you seek you'll find me every time.

So I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna' love like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
 This is your new song

Can you feel the call of love?
Is it moving you to be a child of God of love?
Is it reaching you?
It's everywhere the call of love.

I just want to show you what I mean
I just want to love like you've never seen
Do you want to live like you used to dream?
Then I've got a song for you

Cuz I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna' love like you've never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song